After both our spring break and reading period were ripped away by the grubby hands of administration, they attempted to cover up their wrongdoings with the sticky-sweet syrup of handcrafted sodas and honey-glazed donuts from catering pop-ups. While there’s certainly a charm to free food that can easily entice us to overlook the simmering shitshow the University has become, it’s not enough.
If UR administration really wants to right some wrongs, the least they can do is start to take suggestions for the free handouts they’re choosing to provide. Otherwise, they’re no better than the cockroaches lurking around in our bathrooms. Thus, we here at Campus Times are issuing an ultimatum: Institute these pop-ups for our institution, or face the wrath of our exhausted, burnt-out puppy-dog eyes. It won’t look good for incoming students if everyone’s miserable, will it?
Pop-up financial aid:
Although a healthy amount of UR students can subsist off of the sole resource known as “daddy’s money,” not everyone is that lucky. Case in point: the amount of students clamoring for a declining daddy. Maybe, as a result of this pop-up, there will be less students crowding outside ITS waiting for a shuttle driver’s slow reflexes to grant them that sweet, sweet settlement money. Bonus points for making the amount of aid you receive into a game of Plinko.
Hosted by the Interfaith Chapel, this could serve as a wonderful way for people to connect to their spiritual side as a last resort for passing their finals. Bring a small kitty pool with a priest in a hazmat suit for those willing to go the extra step of getting baptized for their non-COVID-friendly sins this semester.
Pop-up puppy party:
Not only will puppies fulfill people’s lack of physical touch during these times, but also our universal love for oversized fluffy paws and small panting mouths. Sadly, these puppies would have to be changed out every 30 minutes to air out the mass amounts of bleach needed between each visitor to maintain COVID-19 guidelines. One upside: They could all start to resemble Guy Fieri with their new frosted tips.
Pop-up movie theatre:
We’ve all been craving the experience of sitting on spilt popcorn and rubbing up against a sweaty Marvel guy’s thigh. For anyone missing the mildly uncomfortable experience of attempting to open a candy bar mid-movie showing, admin could easily partner with URCG to make a pop-up movie theater. As a way to maintain COVID-19 guidelines, seats that are under six feet apart from each other could be filled by mannequins. That way, you get the experience of being in a packed theater without worrying about awkwardly sharing an armrest with your neighbor.
If you can’t relieve your stress in the old-fashioned ways (puppies or praying), the only thing there is left is to do is get absolutely fucking hammered. Case in point: D-Day. If WCSA can set up on-campus happy hours, why not just take it to another level? While it may seem like a bad thing that dangerous substances are one of the few reliable things getting us through this semester, this could be a ploy for admin to continue to push EverFi training while giving students what they really want.