Scientists at the UR Medical Center have been studying a student who claims to have gained clairvoyance. He’s predicted every SA election for the next fifty years, even naming their unborn parents — forget the student leaders themselves! He also predicted every car accident that would take place in Rochester in the next five and a half years and what would be for dessert in the Douglass dining hall every night for the next two months.
So how did Noah Dafuture, a UR junior, gain his psychic powers? Dafuture attributes his success to drinking the mysterious liquid found inside a Magic 8 Ball. Intrigued by what could have possibly compelled him to crack one open like a coconut, the Campus Times reached out to Dafuture. Here’s what he had to say:
Interviewer: Noah, it’s so nice to meet you, and thank you for taking the time to sit down with CT. To start us off, I have to ask: What made you decide to drink the juice from your Magic 8 Ball?
Noah Dafuture: Well, funny story, I ran out of mouthwash and wanted to rinse. It looked kind of blue, so I thought it might have been Listerine in there. When I took a sip, it tasted like fruit punch, so I drank the whole thing. I wasn’t trying to gain any type of powers, but when I woke up the next morning, it was like my every thought was being answered by the universe as either yes, no, or ask again later. I tested my powers out a little by watching out my window to see which students would slip on the unsalted path to Jackson Court and drop all their Pit food. I got every single one right, and I learned that if you ask enough questions, eventually you know the answer to all of them.
Interviewer: Wow, it must have been a shock to discover that the 8 Ball juice gave you powers, instead of killing you slowly and painfully! What other types of predictions have you been able to make so far?
Noah Dafuture: Well, the other day I predicted that Danforth dining hall would win the chili cookoff. I wrote it down and sealed it in an envelope before the chilis were even cooking. When I opened the envelope to show my friends, they were blown away. URMC got wind, and within hours, I had probes on and in every orifice. Thing is, I don’t think doctors can explain it. This is supernatural.
Interviewer: Do you think anyone who drinks 8 Ball Juice can gain these powers? Would you recommend people give it a go?
Noah Dafuture: I can’t be sure. I tried to give some to the mice that visit me in my dorm, but they all died after drinking it. I can’t be certain whether I was just lucky, or if those things really can predict the future and I absorbed its powers. It would be a good chaser, though. It’s very sweet.
Dafuture is scheduled to continue testing at Strong Memorial Hospital and is expected to be visited by President Biden within the next week. He has already been publicly banned by all casinos in the area, and Area 51 has contacted him for an interview. We hope to follow up with Dafuture and welcome him to the team, so we can report on news in advance.