Dear students, faculty, and — most importantly — parents,

I would like to extend my deepest condolences for the numerous bad news stories that have emerged over the last few weeks. As a united administration, we worry about all aspects of our students’ lives, and all this anger about “justice” and “equality” has made us worry about the emotional and financial health of our students. 

So in the spirit of supporting our students and retaining a happy campus, we have decided to create an environment of blissful ignorance. Detailed below are the forthcoming changes and additions to our long list of highly thought-out and student-vetted rules. 

  • The CT news section will now be limited to publishing only news pertaining to wildlife on campus, with particular emphasis on the groundbois that have made a home on River Campus.
  • The UR connected WiFi will now block all news related sights (except C-SPAN), and push porn as an entertaining alternative.
    • The University will also be providing all students with prepaid premium accounts and unlimited OnlyFans subscriptions. Students can log in with their UR active directory login information.
  • The flags previously in Hirst Lounge will be returned to Hirst Lounge. To avoid controversy, we will be bleaching them completely white before hanging. To avoid any differences whatsoever, Nepal will be discarded. Additionally, the painted tunnel will receive beach themed wallpaper to prevent on-campus disagreements.
  • All classes pertaining to current events, past events (aka “history”), or future events will be eliminated.
    • Classes referencing events from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away will be allowed to continue with special permit.
  • Any images or mention of the President of the United States will be replaced with Rocky and a hyperlink to the Alumni office’s website, to remind students of what’s really important: maintaining their meliora spirit, and donating to this university upon graduation. 
  • We will no longer be publishing COVID-19 case numbers or information.
    • We understand that the uptick in cases has caused a number of students to be nervous about spreading the virus on campus and throughout the community we share in the city of Rochester. Let’s keep our students happy, and maybe healthy (we really can’t promise anything).

Thank you all for your continued support throughout this challenging time. We look forward to your tuition payments.


University of Rochester Board of Trustees,

University Counseling Center

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