The football team has decided that due to COVID-19 restrictions, they will be temporarily converting to a scooter-racing club. The virus has made people seriously reconsider the safety of a sport where dozens of sweaty, tired men crash into each other for hours. Brain damage is one thing, global pandemics are another, I guess.

The change may not come as a huge surprise to those of us on campus, who have seen the team scooting about in V formations like a flock of geese. They’re nicer than geese, though. Bigger, too. And on the ground. Maybe a cavalry charge would be a better analogy? Either way, they’re zooming around campus on scooters and having a blast doing it.

The team formerly known as Varsity Football plans to host competitions such as downhill racing, halfpipe tricks, and out-scooting Public Safety. The fierce contests will have prizes such as old flags from Hirst Lounge, tables and chairs removed from the dining halls, and all of the ovens that have been ripped out of the first-year dorms.

Players are excited about the prospective prizes. “I’m really hoping to win the cardboard bust of George Eastman; I think it would be a great addition to my dorm room,”  sophomore Scooter Razòr told the Campus Times.

The racing course will take place in the cemetery, with some headstones repurposed as ramps and/or obstacles. The halfpipe is currently being constructed next to Todd Union, despite COVID-related budget cuts. Pubsafe chasing will occur on Intercampus Drive.

During races, athletes will have to scoot under their own power in a one mile loop. There will be mushrooms and turtle shells in some locations for players to throw at each other. Don’t worry about the turtles; they’ll be okay. The mushrooms will be provided by local small businesses owners who drive black 2008 model SUVs with tinted windows. Apparently they will give the players magic powers. Or so I’m told.

The halfpipe competition will be judged by a panel of fellow players. Scores will be assigned based on hang time, trick difficulty, execution, and dramatic flair. Bonus points will be awarded to players who wear light-up sneakers during their run.

Public safety chasing will begin by leaving donuts out on Fraternity row. Then one of the fraternities will start blasting their party playlist, drawing the officers to the quad. Once they walk to pick up the donuts, the competitors will scoot by, holding a Genesee Light in one hand.  The round is over when one scooter remains uncaught, or everyone spills all of their Genesee — whichever comes first.

Despite the excitement over this new activity, there are some safety concerns. “I asked them to wear helmets, but apparently even with alcohol and without a helmet the scootering is safer than their old sport,” said coach Chet Richards.

“I’m also slightly concerned about players drinking and scooting on weekends —  Does that count as a DUI? This isn’t the SEC;[…] I can’t just make those go away.”

The department of parking and transportation has confirmed that drinking and scooting is, in fact, considered a DUI.

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