Thanks to Zoom we are, despite our physical distance, now closer to our peers than ever before. 

Much closer than we ever wanted to be.

We now know things that we could’ve gone our whole lives without knowing. We know that the guy who likes to mansplain gender issues in “Jane Eyre” doesn’t wash his hair and only owns one shirt (the Steely Dan arena tour t-shirt with chili stains).

We know that the girl in chem who sat in the first row definitely makes mukbang videos in her free time, and definitely is thinking about the professor when she does it. 

Speaking of which, to that classmate with the 4k HD 30 frames-per-second webcam — are you a Twitch streamer? A webcam model? No shame either way — just saying that if you are, nice work remaining entrepreneurial during these unusual times. 

We know the eating habits of almost every one of our peers. Shoutout to the girl who got takeout delivered to her in the last five minutes of class and proceeded to eat a garbage plate really close to her webcam. Maybe she should team up with Chem Girl and make mukbang videos together. (This is a good idea for a series… CT Matchmaker: Love Found in Quarantine, A Match Made in Mukbang…there’s a joke here somewhere…)

We know when you minimize your screen to read “Naruto” in another window. When you look down at your desk to “take notes” but are actually scrolling through Twitter. 

Now, a moment of silence for all the black screens of the people who purposefully turn off the webcam function and mute their microphones during class. It really hammers home those prolonged periods of silence when the professor asks a question and nobody answers.

(Good for me, I suppose — now people are happy whenever I say whatever depthless bullshit comes to my head as long as I’m breaking the silence.)

And by the way, grow up and stop pretending that you forgot your webcam was still on when you opened a White Claw and took a comically large gulp in full view of everyone. It’s not that funny. Even the professor had the decency to covertly pour her scotch in a WORLD’S GREATEST PUG MOM mug before class started.

Back to the guy who mansplains “Jane Eyre,” why is his hair always wet? Does he shower? Is it grease? Does he shower in grease?

And Jordan, you’re a fucking AME minor. Practice some social distancing and give your Blue Yeti Mic 10 inches of breathing room instead of trying to swallow it. I know quarantine is hard but ASMR is not the answer. Also, your gain is way too high. The irony.

And we now know who’s still living in 2015 Tumblr, based on their bedroom decor. Superwholock never dies, I guess.

And to the girl who spent five minutes preening on Zoom: I saw you pick your nose and eat it. 

We all saw you. 

And we watched you realize you were on camera, and panic. Forever saved for posterity in Panopto.

Disclaimer: All resemblances to persons living or dead are purely coincidental, please don’t kick our asses!

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