The Campus Times received a bizarre email this past week, wherein an anonymous source reported a mysterious crime.

“On Friday, Feb. 14, at 2:34 p.m.,” the source told CT, “I went to do my laundry. When I left, everything was as usual. Maybe there were a few dishes in the sink, but nothing too messy. My suitmate, Rebekkah, was at the counter eating her sauerkraut straight from the bag. Again, the usual.

“When I came back, at roughly 2:46 p.m., she was gone. All that remained was the faint smell of fermentation and a large hunk of ground beef on the counter. Raw. Bare.

“No one has touched the beef since.

“No one has seen Rebekkah. 

“It has been two weeks.

“My other suitemates are less concerned about her disappearance, and more concerned about the beef. We are unsure whether the smell of rot is coming from her room or from the meat. Some of us hope it is the meat. 

“At first it didn’t bother us. Sure, it’s kinda weird that this cow flesh just appeared at the same time that Rebekkah disappeared, but meat is kinda her thing. She’s been known to bite off hunks of chop meat and eat it mindlessly while on the phone, so none of us thought too much about it. 

“My other suitemate, KVIII, was the first to suspect that the meat might have agency. She claimed it moved across the counter in the middle of the night. Her proof: the brownish streaks ever so slightly to the left of the mince. We all laughed, but since she mentioned it I have started to feel like I am being watched at night. And while there’s no one around when I wake with a start, there are sticky reddish brown smears on my ceiling. But that may just be the pipes again. 

“We are all confused and horrified by this fleshy visitation. But we refuse to touch or move it. You can chalk that up to laziness and the unspoken rule among suitemates of  ‘Well… it’s not mine.’

“Lately it has been giving off a Genesee-green, fluorescent glow from its brown, bloody crust. But if we touch it, what will become of us?” 

The email ends there. Rebekkah has officially been declared a Person of Interest by Public Safety following a meat-smuggling bust. Follow-up emails with the anonymous source have confirmed that the meat still remains on the counter, and that the meat (now referred to by the suitemates as “The Vegan’s Nightmare”) has started to accumulate hair ties, bobby pins, and chip crumbs.

Jungle your juice

In case you have yet to juice your jungle, I am here to rock your world (respectfully). You’ve got the funny juice. You love the funny juice!

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