Whether you’re a masochist who enjoys the feeling of a professor and 100 other students disapprovingly staring at you, or you’re someone who thinks you might as well go out in a blaze of glory since you’re ridiculously late anyways, this guide will help you show up late to lecture in a way that disrupts everything.

First, arrive to class five minutes before it ends. People around you will wonder, “Why did they even bother coming?”

Next, open the door to your class as slow as possible. Picture yourself as a charming breeze slowly blowing the door open. If the door is ungreased and old, you’ve accomplished your goal: An awful high-pitched squeaking noise will emanate from the door. If the door is not old, provide your own sound effects. Bring an inflated balloon and slowly release the helium from it as you push open the door.

Next, trawl the classroom for an empty seat. Be picky about your seat selection. Try various seating positions like you’re buying a home. Think of yourself as the Goldilocks of seat selection. If your class is in a large lecture hall like Hoyt, make sure to walk up and down the stairway a minimum of three times. After you have done so, take a seat right in the front, directly in front of your professor.

After being seated, let out a huge sigh. Let your professor know the difficulty of your journey to their lecture today. Then, proceed to either nap—snoring inhumanly loudly—or shop online for corduroy overalls on your phone with silent mode disabled so everyone can hear the sound of your keystrokes.

Congratulations! You’ve disrupted class. If you follow this guide, you’re sure to be the disruptive innovator that you know you can be.

Confessions from a Workday enjoyer

Workday is my sport and I am winning so goddamn hard.

There’s a dress in my closet

One day I know that I will wear that dress out. I know that it will bring me queer joy.


Perhaps it is love that equips us with an unknown strength and resilience, guiding the path to fighting away our greatest fears.