Remember that one kid who always asked unrelated questions in lecture, and then mysteriously disappeared last week? The kid who was rumored to have been murdered? 

Thanks to a series of creepy letters slipped under my dorm door, I’ve got an exclusive interview with the suspected killer.

I asked the killer a series of questions via eerie magazine cut-out letters and some blackout poetry. The system was simple — I’d leave questions on the upstairs landing, and the responses would end up slid under my door a short time later.

Here are some highlights from my correspondence with the killer.

Stella: Why did you kill him?

Killer: He asked too many unrelated questions in lecture and would talk over the professor when he tried to answer them. He would just watch videos in class and then ask a question about the topic that the professor just went over. Also, he smelled like beef. I hate beef. 

S: Have you ever killed someone before?

K: No, this was my first time. But I have considered the murders of many.

S: Interesting, and also relatable. What did he do to make you snap and finally kill him?

K: Well, that day, Connections had put my curried chicken salad sandwich into the bag vertically, which led to all the curried chicken salad falling out into the bottom of the bag. Only the soggy bread was edible. That made me really sad. And then I saw him take out his perfectly horizontal Bef (Editor’s Note: I believe this should be “beef,” but it seems the killer ran out of magazine e’s that day) sandwich out of his own Connections bag, and I just decided that that would be it.

S: Are you suggesting that Connections is indirectly responsible for the murder?

K: Yes.

S: How did you kill him?

(I was then sent an extremely detailed and graphic series of magazine clippings. I have decided to omit them for sensitivity, but I will say that the murder involved an electric carving knife, a beef sandwich, and a small vial of poison the killer learned how to make in CHM 275.)

S: Do you have any guilt about it?

K: No, I actually feel like a hero, to be honest.

S: Why’s that?

K: I’m sorry, can you send me the previous letter again? I forgot what the question was.

(I sent him the letter)

K: Well, I saw the hatred burning in my professor’s eyes every Tuesday and Thursday, but he wasn’t tenured, so he couldn’t do it. It had to be me. 

K: Also, the voices told me to. 

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