8 a.m. Gotta wake up. Rub one out first, it’s the least that you owe yourself.

Take a shower and blast that SoundCloud channel that plays sped-up pop songs. The music is both innocuous and nauseating. Maybe that means it’s ahead of its time and I just don’t understand it yet. Why do I keep listening to the account FAN FICTION on SoundCloud if I don’t like their music?

Back in my room. It’s cold in here. The window is closed but I accidentally leave it open so often that the room is always colder than all the other rooms in the house, which me and three other roommates pay roughly $400 a month for, except I don’t pay the expenses, my mother does.

I’m in my boxer briefs in my room and I’m hearing a sped-up rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “I Really Like You” for the third time this morning. I think the title of this version is “rly.” The laser beam compression of Jepsen’s cat-like vocals shines life into my naked body, giving the day ahead a sense of unknown possibility accentuated by the frigid climate of the room. I feel as though I am a part of an elite scene of disenchanted emerging adults who blast sickeningly syrupy pop music in their bedrooms to drown out thoughts of death.

Walk to campus, look at the ground, beat the four-minute-per-mile pace I’ve been attaining on the gym bike machines while listening to podcasts. Take a shower in the gym, look at the tiles in front of me while meditating on the concept of “stoic” and deliberately disengaging from fixating on the future and the past. If I am trying to think a certain way, how can I be winning? I must stay vigilant. I must keep the darkness from winning.

10:45 a.m. In 15 minutes I have the choice to attend a lecture in which I typically contort my body in various yoga poses I’ve learned throughout my childhood, in order to ward off the sensation that my body is rotting as it hosts an entire civilization of red ants. I do not want to attend the lecture. Is it possible that I have to rub one out again? I’m pretty sure I did that this morning, but I don’t remember for sure.

I must keep the darkness from winning. Go to YouTube. Home Shopping Network has a live stream on at all hours. A demented smile crosses my face as soon as the stream begins. I am not living anymore.

I hate it when your bath towels don’t wrap around your waist securely enough and run the danger of falling. These towels don’t fall, and for the price they’re offering there’s no reason not to buy them. Most bath towels, you drip water on them and the whole towel is soaked through. These towels are different. You don’t even need to rub them on your body to absorb the water, they just pick it up. I enjoy the concept of suction. I like when they explain what’s going on with the towels on a micro level, and how the ionized streams of non-bleached fabric pick up the H20 molecules using state-of-the-art, streamlined, sodium-suction technology.

These towels come in so many vivid colors. I like the fuchsia ones. What’s great about these towels is you can have fun combining them with different colors. This a great way to express myself. Everyone has a bath. I love baths. I love creativity—it’s such a pure concept. Anytime I am being creative I am being wholesome. When I am wholesome, I am on the right side of history.

It’s funny, I’ve always been a little different from the rest but I’ve never been able to explain it until now. The fuchsia bath towels would look really striking against the slate gray ones. My friends would be so taken aback, they’d probably think of me in a different way. I’ve always been different from the others, but now I think I know why. Michelangelo would have built the Sistine Chapel out of Home Shopping Network products if he could’ve.

My soul is starting to rot. I better turn off the Home Shopping Network stream and start studying. It’s OK. I just remembered that Chipotle brought back its non-GMO, grass-fed carnitas burrito. All I want is a big lunch that’s high in fat and protein. I feel like euphoria is beaming out from my body in the form of green-ish vibrating lines with the texture of pipe cleaners. I like big lunches. They make me feel shrewd, stout, and studious. I am a student. A student must be shrewd, stout, and sensational at all times. I am so happy that I have Chipotle to provide for me the shrewd and stout meal fit for a student like me. Today is going to be a good day. Tomorrow is going to be a good day too. I am just so thankful for every day I get to experience in this life. I am going to live forever.

Tagged: Media Matrix

Furries on UR campus?

A few months ago, as I did my daily walk to class through the tunnels to escape the February cold,…

Notes by Nadia: The myth of summer vacation

Summer vacation is no longer a vacation.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…