Listen up, cowboy: it’s time for you to have great, orgasmic sex.

There’s plenty of Googleable articles by the sex geniuses of our time. There’s Cosmopolitan,  delighting in telling us that men like to have donuts on their penises. There’s YouTube, which gave us the grapefruit method of giving blowjobs. Then there’s Men’s Health, which tells men to spray their bed sheets with aftershave to subconsciously convince their partner to bang them.

There’s plenty more super practical ideas online, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m taking us back to basics. There are really only three principles you must follow to have some good sex.

First things first, change your idea of what sex is. Real sex is nothing like what you see in porn or television. Pornography is not real sex: I repeat, porn is not real. It’s fantasy. To guide your real sex life with what happens in the virtual world is a rookie mistake. Porn has cuts to take out the awkward position changes, fluffers to make sure the actors are still aroused, and people to wipe sweat off the actor’s backs. In movies and television shows, sex is an automatic decision. A couple only has to look at each other from across the club to jump cut into an intense love scene. There’s nothing real about that. Sex isn’t a look; it’s a consensual decision between two or more people. The media rarely gives us real talk about sex or the physical and emotional impacts. Lower your expectations because it’ll probably never be as graceful as what’s depicted in media, and that’s a-okay.

This brings us to communication. Just like a conversation, sex is action and reaction, and all partners are an integral part of the discussion. The first step is to ensure consent among all parties. The next step is to get down and dirty. Be an advocate for yourself in the bedroom;f you aren’t cumming, don’t fake it, because that just leads to further disappointment. Tell your partner if you don’t like what they are doing; even better yet, tell them what you like and what works for you. They can’t read your mind. So be explicit. It’ll be more satisfying in the end for both of you. Tell them how fast, slow, hard, or soft you like it. If you partner doesn’t seem to be enjoying something, ask them what they like instead. Don’t assume things. Sex is an intricate, emotionally complex, and physically demanding task that differs from person to person, so don’t be afraid to communicate your needs.

Another key to great sex is experimentation. Try some toys. Try different positions. And chances are you’re not spending enough time in the foreplay stage. Most women cannot get off to just penetration. They need clitoral stimulation so experiment with different pressures, locations, fingers, etc. The possibilities are endless.  

Lastly, stop obsessing over orgasms. This sounds paradoxical. Stop thinking about orgasms so I can have an orgasm? Yes! If you shift your thoughts to the pleasure you are feeling from that obsession, it increases your chances of achieving climax. Additionally, if you’re in the moment, you can focus more on your partner and help them climax. Also, orgasming isn’t the deciding factor of whether the sex was great. Turns out that a lot of people don’t reach climax when they have sex. A study of college students conducted in 2010 revealed that 67 percent  of women and 28 percent of men had faked orgasms. There are plenty of emotional and physical issues that may make orgasming hard or nearly impossible. This is the point where you try different things (experimentation!) and ask you partner what they want (communication!).Sex is complicated. It’s awkward and weird and potentially life altering, but communicating, experimenting, and not focusing on the end will make it a lot better.

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