A recent email from the office of University President Joel Seligman has revealed that in addition to recommending some Public Safety officers be equipped with firearms to ensure safety on campus, administrators have also decided to recommend arming Seligman himself.
“Let’s face it, a few cops with guns can only do so much for us,” trustee Jimmy Winters commented. “They might be able to keep the peace in the face of ordinary threats. What about a 60-foot atomic lizard rising from the waters of the Genessee, or a fleet of hostile aliens descending on campus? That’s why we need a 12-foot tall Mecha-Seligman equipped with dual shoulder-mounted missile launchers and arm cannons.”
A hand picked team of mechanical engineering grad students was tasked with making the necessary upgrades to Seligman, transforming him from a mild mannered college administrator into an implacable cyborg enforcer.
This isn’t the first time the University has upgraded one of its presidents. In 1926, Benjamin Rush Rhees had a miniature fusion reactor implanted in his chest to enable him to single-handedly construct the library that bears his name. While not a president, per se, George Eastman also underwent surgery in the early 20th century to equip him with a self-contained cryonic preservation system. After donating huge sums of his fortune to the University, Eastman stationed himself between Morey and Lattimore Halls and converted his organic matter into a frozen effigy of adamantium, where he remains to this day in a dead-but-dreaming state, waiting to awaken and reap the souls of all who betrayed him in life.
“This is exactly the type of threat I’m talking about,” Winters stressed. “When the Azariah Boody cultists finally succeed in raising Eastman from his slumber of aeons, who’s gonna stop him? Not some cop with a pea-shooter. I’m putting my money on Seligmanator and his bristling array of weaponry.”
When asked for a comment, Seligman professed that he is “totally friggin’ stoked” about his new cybernetic capabilities.
Seligman’s new capabilities will be demonstrated for the University community during Mel Weekend, when he plans to vaporize the statue of George Eastman with a pair of energy beams projected from his eyes. Then, Seligman said, he’ll probably activate his afterburners and perform a couple of sick barrel rolls in the sky over Wilson Quad.
“We’re hoping this will really cut down on underage drinking on campus,” he added with a wry smirk.
