An investigation by Goergen Athletic Center officials which concluded late last week. The official report states that the athletic center’s chronic damage – which included a collapsed floor that recently had to be repaired – was caused by “that one guy who’s always lifting”. According to the report published by the Athletic Center and signed off on by UR President Joel Seligman, the unnamed fitness connoisseur “…reportedly brings multiple one-gallon jugs of water with him and does not attend classes [even though he is a matriculated student].”
When asked if he had a comment, UR President Joel Seligman replied, “No.”
The investigation into “the hulk” (as he is known in certain circles) yielded some surprising conclusions. Among other things, he “…never does cardio, and exclusively drinks water and muscle milk”.
“The hulk” has remained anonymous in official proceedings, but UR Administration and Public Safety officials have “…created numerous plans to deter him from going into the Athletic Center [so that the floor does not collapse again]”, according to a source close to the planning process. The contingencies, which range from replacing all of the workout equipment with treadmills to advertising nearby rival RIT’s athletic facilities, have not yet been put into place.
When confronted at a recent workout session by a Campus Times investigative correspondent, the student merely asked, “Do you even lift?”
Schaffer is a member of
the class of 2016.
