I read an article the other day suggesting ejaculation as a treatment for nasal congestion in adult men. Other than being a hilarious quirk of the human body, this seems like useful information should the hypothesis be proven true.

The idea behind this is that, after ejaculation, the body’s sympathetic nervous system kicks in to help restore the body to its natural state. In the process, the sympathetic nervous system causes vasoconstriction of the nasal blood vessels, treating nasal congestion for the length of the body’s refractory period or more.

This is a fun hypothesis.

Even though it hasn’t been proven or even tested, potential decongestant effects seem like a perfectly good excuse to get some of that special alone time.

A simple, “I’m just so sick, I hope you don’t catch it!” ought to be a perfectly passive aggressive way to get your roommate to keep out of your room while you go to town.

Hypothetically, you can have a partner help you out, but if you’re sniffling and stuffed up, it’s definitely best not to spread it around. Stick to your hand or your toys.

Not into the solo game? Never tried it? You should, both ladies and lads.

Taking responsibility for your sexual satisfaction powerfully parallels the responsibility you ought to take for yourself in all contexts of your life. Masturbation can be an incredibly powerful tool in doing everything from helping better your mood and self-esteem to helping you figure out in a sexual way what you like best. It helps improve sleep and can also be an effective pain killer. Think of all the wonderful possibilities!

Many people worry about the taboo of it all. For the guys, it’s just a cultural expectation – lucky you – so embrace it!

Now for the girls: sure, the TV shows you watched growing up didn’t advertise the idea to you like they did for boys, but that’s no excuse. Explore, and you’ll be amazed by how many people out there do (appropriately) consider it perfectly normal.

If you’re really nervous about it, no one has to know! There’s no one there to judge you (at least if you don’t want there to be.)

No matter your gender, masturbation is a personally intimate experience. I know the image in your mind is likely less than romantic in tone, perhaps the silhouette of an unkempt man backlit by the screen of a computer. But in the same way that engaging in sexual activity with another person creates a powerful respect for the human body, masturbation can do that for you with your own body. Love your body, show it respect by learning about it and pleasing it. Doing so will help you realize how attractive you are, despite whatever body-image issues society has given you that you haven’t yet fought off (we all have them, let’s be honest here).

That brings us full circle: when is it that you feel the least attractive?

When you’re sick.

So when you feel those sniffles coming on – get your cumming on.

Armstrong is a member of the class of 2016.

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