Happy day before Valentine’s Day! In case you haven’t heard, or are a single college student who is trying to zone out the fact that every person in a relationship is celebrating with their loved one while you just watch “The Notebook” marathon until tomorrow comes, it’s the day before Valentine’s Day. But don’t worry, for I too am single—for now at least. Nevertheless, here is some general advice for the taken and untaken individuals to help survive Valentine’s Day.
10. If you are trying to remain single, do your best to avoid Cupid’s arrow. Always be prepared because Cupid is a tricky little guy. If you are hit by his arrow, first assess the severity of the blow. Determine if the arrow is lodged in a vitally important region of your body. However, if you are trying to get hit by cupid’s arrow, walk outside with an apple on your head to channel your inner William Tell. Also, wear a deer costume and paint an archery target on your back.
9. Buy yourself a box of chocolates and act as if it is from your secret admirer. To do this successfully, make sure you draw everyone’s attention and let them know that you “just can’t figure out who could possibly be your secret admirer.” If you want to go even further, write a note on the box with some sort of adventure that leads you around campus. Have checkpoint riddles that only you can solve, and act as if you have an epiphany every time you figure one out. Just try to be as much like Nicholas Cage as you can.
8. I know that it’s a romantic gesture, but I feel that chocolate is a waste of a gift to give someone. Giving your lover a tool kit with wrenches and hammers and screwdrivers seems to be a much more practical gift. Think about it. A few months after Valentine’s Day, you’re feeling as if your partner likes you more than you like them. You tell him/her it’s time to split apart, and in anger and sadness, your lover smashes a clock. Conveniently, your partner will have the tool kit to fix both the clock and their broken heart. Now that you’ve nailed it, you can just bolt out of your relationship.
7. Go on a picnic with your lover. What says romance more than going outside in a foot of snow and having a picnic? How did that old idiom go — love someone to death or freeze someone to death? I can never remember.
6. Ladies, a study lists a few signs that a man is about to break up with you. This includes; he’ll spend less time with you, he is no longer romantic, passionate kisses turn into quick pecks, he pats during a hug, and he tries to start fights. If your man exhibits these symptoms, what he needs is a Snickers bar.
5. In your physics class, stand up and ask your professor what makes the world go round. Be quick to dismiss any scientific answer by arguing that the answer is in fact love. Or, if you are at Eastman, fall in love with a pianist, just so the two of you are always in a chord.
4. If someone is ambitious on this love-crazy holiday and asks for your hand in marriage, take it literally and act disgusted. Tell them, “if you want the hand, you are going to have to take the rest of the body too.”
3. According to theDailyBeast.com, Rochester is the 37th best city for love. We are ranked one ahead of Philadelphia, which is known as the city of brotherly love. I can understand being ranked behind Denver and Seattle, because everybody loves everybody there, but how did Washington D.C beat us? I thought no one gets along there. Ignore the rankings. Rochester is a great city for love.
2. If you are having some trouble in your relationship for whatever reason, just always remember, Hillary forgave Bill. Get rid of your interns.
1. Write a Valentine’s Day-themed acrostic poem and put it to a song. After all, it worked for Nat King Cole.
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.
