Should men be open to their girlfriends wanting to integrate adult toys into their sex lives?

Imitation may be the most sincere form of flattery, but invention is often hailed as the more sincere form of criticism. Men often feel hesitant about this topic because they worry that the sex toys are being introduced as a criticism of their skills or as a replacement for their equipment. In reality, most women see toys as an addition to compliment the existing activities and something new and fun for the couple to try together. Research suggests that the majority of women are more likely to achieve an orgasm via clitoral stimulation, and toys are often a faster, less tiring way of accomplish that goal for both partners. Remember as well that toys don’t have to be bigger than life or present intimidating competition. In fact, there are many different toys, that are created for couples, that are small but provide plenty of stimulation for both people – Trojan makes some that you can buy easily in the grocery   store or pharmacy. My advice is to start by incorporating these couple-friendly small toys with your partner and see which ones make the motions of your ocean more thrilling. At worst you can chalk it up to new experiences. At best, you may only regret that you didn’t try them sooner.


How could you approach your boyfriend about possibly wanting a threesome with another guy (I’m female)?

It can be difficult to broach a personal fantasy when you’re not sure how a partner might react. For that reason, I’d suggest doing it in an impersonal third party way, for example, talking about a movie/a dream/a friend that had a MMF threesome. This gives a non-threatening area for both of you to discuss your feelings about a threesome without making you feel as vulnerable. If you do get the green light, there’s a great chapter in “The Guide to Getting It On” by Paul Joannides that offers suggestions on how to make your threesome as easy, fun, and safe as possible. Keep in mind, though, that you and your partner run the risk of ending up with feelings you hadn’t bargained for such as jealousy, mental images that you can’t erase, or perhaps lingering feelings for the guest star. To help avoid these downers, I would suggest establishing some ground rules before the event about what each of you are comfortable doing and seeing the other one do with the guest star (e.g. oral sex with the guest star is ok, penetrative sex isn’t; the guest star and your boyfriend are going to touch/not touch and in which ways) and how you as a couple will act with the guest star after the event. Other than that, try to keep your expectations realistic; when fantasies are brought to life, it’s not often that reality can live up to the exciting movie that has been running through your mind.

Estrada is a visiting assistant professor in the Department of Clinical & Social Psychology.To submit an anonymous question, visit

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