On Friday, Nov. 1, University President Joel Seligman debuted his collection erotic poetry at Starbucks Friday Night Live open-mic event.

The title of his collection, 50 Shades of Joel, is a reference to the 50 separate romantic personalities that corresponds with each one of his poems. Even though Starbucks changed their open-mic policy to allow spoken word poetry several months ago, Seligman was the first to step up and recite.

The six person audience, which included three employees, a grey-haired Classics professor and her rotund husband, and a homeless man, unaminously described the scene as “suprisingly hot” and praised Seligman for his “vigor.”

His thirteen poem entitled, “Call me Bashful,” took listeners on a emotional journey, from love at first sight, to a coffee date at Boulder, to a wild night of scharades. Written from the perspective of his muse, Anastasia Steele, the poem was described as the climax of his performance.

“Joel did a masterful job putting us in Anastasia’s shoes,” homeless man Karl Marx said. “And you know what they say, if the shoe fits, wear it.”

Marx explained in detail the out of body experience that transpired for the duration of “Call me Bashful.” With every word Seligman spoke, Marx began acting more and more like Anastasia, and at one point told the barista, “He makes me feel loved, because in spite of his fifty personalities, he has a wealth of love to give.” He stripped naked and dumped pumpkin spiced latte all over himself before he snapped back to himself at the conclusion of the poem.

When questioned about his performance, Seligman appeared proud of his poetic prowess but troubled by its effect on the audience.

“I didn’t know I had that [poetry] in me,” Seligman said. “But seeing the power it has over people, I could truly change campus.”

Despite the small audience at his intial poetic offering, UR students have formed a “Show Me Your Shades, Joel” Facebook group which now has 3,221 members.

On Monday, Nov. 4, four of those members broke into the Presidential mansion in search of any of the rough drafts of the scandalous poetry. The fragments they found have been reprinted and are circulating throughout campus, according to Director of Public Safety Walter Maldin.

In a statement to the student body, Seligman reassured his fans of future performances.

“Stay tuned for my commencement address,” Seligman wrote. “Laters, baby.”

Brady is a member of
the class of 2015.

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