Welcome, welcome to the first annual UR Tuition Games!
Director Gary Ross’ “The Hunger Games” has been such a tremendous hit that UR has decided to host its own version of the Games. Just in case you haven’t heard this a billion times before, the Hunger Games is an annual competition in which children try to kill each other to win food. But worry not, the UR version will be much less brutal.
Thankfully, due to certain restrictions set forth by the law, there will be no actual killing. With this being said, “no killing” doesn’t mean that there won’t be broken bones, traps which may seriously injure you or burns and stings from yellowjackets while fighting with raccoons and bears.
A boy and girl from each class year will be chosen at random to fight in the Games. The Department of Mathematics has set up a complicated equation to determine the limit for how many times a given student may enter his or her name into the drawing. Since all of the entries will be handled online, the computer will automatically recognize the limit and assume the student would like to enter his or her name that many times.
The mentors for each team will be the deans of each class. The city of Rochester will be used as an arena for the Games and the students will have to fight to the point of unconsciousness — since death is prohibited — in order to claim victory for their respective class years. They will be trying to dodge various hazards, such as snowstorms and bullets. If need be, the contestants might be fed to the pre-med students.
The winner of this competition will receive a reward worth fighting for. Not only will he or she receive a year of free tuition, the victor will also acquire a room at the top of Rush Rhees that is not known by many, which houses a hot tub and a water bed.
Since the winner will be leading the life of a spoiled brat, the administration has decided that the class from which the victor hails should also be rewarded. Therefore, the class will receive free UR mittens.
Yes, we know, it’s totally fair.
The classes that do not win will have their tuition raised by 10 percent and, if they complain, it will be upped another 20. In addition to the increase in tuition, food prices will be doubled and, to make things even more painful, Starbucks will grow in size and offer a larger selection of drinks.
UR has also decided to change its motto so that it reflects the new mission statement that most closely relates to the rising tuition: “To infinity without end,” or in Latin, “Ad infinitum.”
So, if you want to avoid all of this, you had better enter your name to compete in the Tuition Games!
Panda is a member of the class of 2014.