Many factors shape your college experience. Your friends are an important part of who you are and who you will become. Your classes, assuming you go to them, can affect how you think and what you know. And, while they do not often receive the attention they deserve, perhaps your professors are the most important aspect in shaping your college experience.
There are many other impacting factors, such as the quality of the alcohol you consume and your living situation, but those are secondary compared to the three aforementioned influences.
If you’ve ever had a professor who could, in no way whatsoever, be human, don’t doubt that thought, because it could be true. A recent report from unidentified men in black has revealed that aliens might be taking the place of UR professors.
By reaching the brightest minds in the country, aliens hope to brainwash students into joining their empire, cause a revolt and take over the planet. Now, you might be wondering how to spot an alien, especially if it is, of all people, your professor. Well, all you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for certain signs.
The first sign indicating that your professor is an alien is that you walk out of class realizing that the past hour has been a total blur. You remember nothing, you obviously comprehended nothing and there seems to be an empty block of space in your memory. You have no idea how you got to the class or how you got out and you try very hard to remember what happened, but you can’t seem to place anything.
A second warning that your professor is extraterrestrial is that you start dreaming about your class. Aliens want to study you to understand human psychology. Ask yourself what the real purpose of a SONA study is. Consider those weird fliers all over campus advertising odd experiments. You think you are not allowed to know the purpose of the test until you finish the study, but in reality, the whole thing is a trick.
By getting students to have recurring dreams of academic failure and pop tests worth 75 percent of their final grade, aliens are extracting information about exactly how frail the human mind is.
In addition to having abnormal dreams, if you start seeing scars or wounds that you have no recollection of getting, or if you become physically ill without reason, an alien most likely studied you. Moreover, that alien is probably your professor. After all, who else sees you every other day of the week and has enough time and power to control your life?
Now, before you deem your professor an alien, please realize that the above signs may point to many other explanations as well. Those reasons are less likely than “my professor is an alien,” but they are worth examining nonetheless.
If every minute spent in class meshes into one giant blur, you might be on illegal chemical substances. If you can’t remember what happened in class, there’s a chance you overslept or daydreamed straight through it. If you start to dream or have nightmares about the class, you could be either a paranoid schizophrenic or really nerdy. Or you may just need to change classes.
As for the mysterious wounds or scars, or if you actually believe your professor is an alien, the University Counseling Center and University Health Services would love to help you out.
Panda is a member of the class of 2014.