I am sure everyone has been hit hard by the economic crisis, especially over the past year. The debt ceiling was officially raised on Aug. 2. The stock market took a dip soon after. The unemployment rate is above 9 percent and, in 2009, 3.8 million Americans lost their jobs.
In order to cut back on spending, the government has recently proposed a new plan called the Jack-o’-Lantern Movement (more fondly known as the Jackass Movement). This plan intends to cut back nearly $10 billion — clearly that is going do a whole lot for an economy that is over $14 trillion in debt.
The first part of the initiative concerns all the factories and stores that make Halloween costumes. The new policies state that all costumes must be made from a minimal amount of fabric pushing them to the borderline of social appropriateness. Thus, there has been a push toward reducing clothing for everyone on Halloween. Bunnies will no longer wear pants, but will need to stick exclusively to fish-net tights. Gypsies will now wear thinner and more transparent material so that fewer valuable cloths will be used to make the costume. What if you want to be Lady Gaga? Just dress down like a Victoria Secret model, and you’re set.
But what about costumes for men, you ask? Well, half the superheroes go around in tights anyway, so that shouldn’t be a problem. Vampires are encouraged to use baby powder to get an Edward Cullen complexion. In addition, staying awake for 24 to 48 hours is highly advised in order to give their eyes that beautiful reddish glow.
Also, capes are discouraged because they require more material to make. Rather, it is advisable to just wear an unbuttoned shirt to give an “I am so badass” effect. What is sexier than a guy white as baby powder with practically no shirt on?
On the other hand, if you want to be something a little more animalistic — say a wolf — then you should know that they stopped making fake fur. So your only option is to stop shaving for a few days to look like the beast you truly are — or pretend to be.
Beyond costumes, the plan calls for another cutback — government officials have decided to shut down certain candy factories. To the delight of dentists, giving out candy has been banned and instead, a cheaper option is being used: carrots.
A study conducted by the Organic Freaks University (OFU) has found that carrots are very easy to grow, and officials have claimed that it will help foster a healthy and less obese atmosphere for Halloween. In order to keep up with the demand for carrots this Halloween, OFU designed new factories to grow carrots at a faster rate using various chemical compounds. This not only sticks true to their “all healthy and natural” ideal but it will also create many jobs for the economy.
But in order to heal the broken hearts due to the lack of candy, the government has allowed one leniency to this carrot rule: a free ranch dressing packet with every carrot pack. Still, it’s an idea definitely healthier than candy.
This Halloween will be remembered for years to come. It will be the first Halloween when fellow citizens will have to give up clothing for the better of the country. It will be the first time healthy substitutes will be a necessity for financial purposes.
So if you see half-naked people munching away on carrots, just remember that they are the true patriots of this country.
Panda is a member of the class of 2014.