In response to last year’s dismal Super Bowl ratings, NFL Commissioner Rodger Goodell held a press conference last week revealing his 2011 business strategy. “The Super Bowl is going to be just a little different this year,” Goodell announced. “See, we understand that more than half of our audience is watching this game for the advertisements and nothing else, so why not give the people what they want?”
Similar to Premiere Cup Soccer in Europe, Goodell has apparently sold advertising space onto the jerseys of active players. Although most players didn’t mind the adjustment, Aaron “Dodge®”-ers and Ben Roethlis-“Burger King®” were less than thrilled. “Let the record show that I do not drive a Dodge® truck— I drive a good old American Ford® F-150. Built Ford® Tough,” Rodgers said as he winked and tipped his Ford company hat towards the camera. In a similar post-game interview, Roethlisburger heard the first question and instinctively yelled, “I didn’t fucking do it!” and ran away screaming into the locker room.
In addition to the jersey ad space, other product placements were noticable throughout the game. During the second quarter, the entire cast of “Glee” was given a set of downs to play for both the Packers and the Steelers in promoting Fox’s very successful all-gay reality TV series.
Other significant Goodell changes included: replacing the football itself with an unopened Pepsi Maxx® two liter bottle and substituting all yellow referee penalty flags with hip holstered bags of Doritos, which the referees would throw into the air upon seeing a penalty.
One aspect of this year’s Super Bowl that has remained unchanged for years is the halftime show celebration. Campus Times Celebration Senior Analyst Sarah Rubes explains the night’s events: “As always, the show began with Fergie and what appeared to be three sex offenders on a stage, dancing around with crazy lights and box-people.”
Typical. Then out of nowhere, Usher gets lowered down by a giant Twizzler® onto the stage where he danced his entire routine balanced on Bridgestone® tires, only to be interrupted by P. Diddy flying into the stadium on a Chevy® motor-powered hang glider dropping Snickers® candy bars down into the crowd as he eventually does a “Black Swan” dive into a giant martini glass full of Ciroc® vodka, which upon contact bursts into flames spelling out the words “B-U-D L-I-G-H-T®” in the night sky, the smoke of which gets captured by Toyota® and recycled into a 2011 Prius as Ronald McDonald® climbs in and speeds down a Dave’s Ramp Depot® ramp, which eventually flies the length of the field and into an enormous dish of Tostitos® queso dip, where Eminem then emerges and sings his new single, “Detroit Doesn’t Suck. No Seriously, I Promise.” “A bit predictable, I must say, but what a performance!” Rubes said.
Everyone who witnessed the 2011 Super Bowl had his or her own opinion of how the game went. “Yeah, I watched it,” UR President Joel Seligman. said.
“But I didn’t like it. It just took too fucking long! See, we ran out of guac around the second quarter, and then what were we supposed to do? Settle for mediocre salsa? I’m the president, dammit!” exclaimed a frustrated Seligman.
“But I did win $1,000 in a bet with Dean Feldman over whether or not Christina Aguilera would mess up the National Anthem, so overall it was a pretty good Super Bowl.”
Rubenstein is a member of
the class of 2011.

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