I know that you have been craving your next iteration of the wonderfully weird and zany sports from across the globe as bad as Tiger Woods is hoping that people have very bad long-term memories (Hey, I had to get one in; this is a sports column, after all).
But alas, your patience has not gone unnoticed. I have dug up a sport that is extra special in my heart, and should be equally special to every person out there who enjoys nothing more than the love between a man and a woman.
That’s right. I’m talking about positions such as the piggyback or the fireman’s carry, or even the Estonian carry.
In celebration of the wonders of everything that is Venus, feminine and womanly, I proudly present you all with the not-at-all sexist sport of wife carrying.
That’s right fellow men. I’m not talking about carrying her purse while she tries on 30 different pairs of shoes or while she secretly flirts with the cable guy to try to get you the sports package for free.
You. Actually have to carry. Her. On your back. With your brute man strength. LikeHercules.
And, in ‘Man Show” fashion (anybody around that still gets that reference?) the prize is your wife’s weight in beer.
Well, that and five times your wife’s weight in money, but you probably would have to split that.
While my original research traced the originations of the sport to Finland. I have also discovered something perfect for you puppy-dog-
Looking for a second honeymoon? Nothing says ‘I love you” more than carrying your wife and winningprizes, so go no further than the Sunday River Ski Resort in Newry, Maine, where the 10th annual North American Wife Carrying Championships took place last October.
Over 2,000 people came to watch 46 teams battle it out to win a trip to the World Camperships in Finland. The lovely winning couple was Dave and Lacey Castro of Lewiston, Maine with a commendable time of 54.45 seconds for 253.5 meters.
Yeah that’s right. They time this shit like track.
But I suppose you actually want to know how the sport works now, don’t you? Well, there is a 278-yard course, which includes water obstacles, high hurdles and some flat sections for sprinting.
If you drop your wife, besides the bitching that is sure to ensue later, you are also penalized time.
Also, for all of you ‘progressive” couples out there, there is also the option of the wife carrying the husband.
Technically, in the rules, you don’t have to be legally married to the person.
So, even if gays can’t get married, I guess they can still carry each other to fame and glory.
It isn’t insurance benefits, but who am I to tell the difference?
And because I know you all are still wondering, the Estonian carry has the women upside down with her arms against the man’s waist, holding on for dear life and her legs over his shoulders.
It helps the man keep his arms free for ‘balance,” apparently, and helps in getting past the obstacles in the course.
You heard it here first. Now go pick up your wife, girlfriend or same-gendered significant other and get practicing! Next October is only six months away!
Clark is a member of the class of 2012.