Aries (March 21&-April 19) The more you smile, the more everyone is wondering which pledge you’re screwing.

Taurus (April 20&-May 20) Skinny ties are hawt; matching socks that make you look like a member of the stimulated middle class are not.

Gemini (May 21&-June 21) You frequently find yourself in a sea of ignorance during normal conversation of current events. Maybe it’s time you learn to read the newspaper or turn on a TV now that Juicy Campus is gone.

Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Be mindful of others interested in you and your significant other. Basically get ready to f*ck a bitch up.

Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) You’ve been up for days. Stop popping the Adderall and go to bed.

Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Your Facebook status can cause more damage than the fact you’re married to your ‘bromance.”

Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Use your gift of one-liners this weekend on the Frat Quad. You’ll wake up in either Sue B., Hoeing, Gilbert or Tiernan.

Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) Spin that record, baby.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) Secure your monkey before any of your close friends decide to come over.

Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) Spring break in Cancun? 3,000 miles is perfect for a sexual orientation vacation.

Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) I bet now you’re excited you never studied in the PRR since it’s full of Asbestos… and secrets.

Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) You are the man.

The only reliable thing about the shuttle system is its ability to drive me crazy

The bus schedule is many things, so I’ll tell you what it isn’t. Reliable. On-time. Consistent.

100 gecs are not comedians, they’re artists

"Anthony Kiedis sucking on my penis."

There’s a dress in my closet

One day I know that I will wear that dress out. I know that it will bring me queer joy.