The holiday season is upon us once again, and people all over the world are making up their wish lists for Santa. Interestingly enough, athletes aren’t exempt, so let’s take a sneak peek at the decisions Saint Nick will be making for them this year.
BCS Computers: A permanent vacation. It’s a gift that everyone can enjoy.
Michael Phelps: A display case.
The Tampa Bay Rays: Asked for fans for the past 10 years, received has-been sluggers. Maybe they’ll unwrap some more young talent and excited fans as a reward for their performance.
The New York Yankees: Asked for high-priced big names for the past few seasons, received exactly that. Maybe they’ll unwrap some serious changes and disgruntled fans as a punishment for their performance.
Al Davis: A heart.
Plaxico Burress: A brain.
The Detroit Lions: Courage. But not a win.
Patrick Roy and his sons: Family counseling and fans who know that a stellar career as a goalie is not an excuse for being a horrible role model.
Brett Favre: Flip-flops.
Kimbo Slice: Asked for a win. Getting a razor.
The Rochester Amerks: The longest list Santa got this year. Probably will unwrap the chance to hit rock bottom so they can be bailed out and reunited with the Sabres in the years to come.
Tiger Woods: Socks. What else does the guy need?
China’s Gymnastics Team: Asked for ponies and dollhouses… aren’t they too old for that stuff?
LeBron James: A talking Charles Barkley doll and a lifetime supply of ‘I wlkerwl3 N.Y.” T-shirts.
The New York Mets: A personal Heimlich Maneuver specialist for the fall.
NASCAR: A shiny new wait, never mind, we’re only supposed to be discussing real sports right now.
Donovan McNabb: ‘Football for Dummies.”
Mark Cuban: ‘Covering up Investment Crimes for Dummies.”
Bill Belichick: Well, the camcorder gift last year wasn’t such a good idea, so it looks like another ripped gray hoodie for good ole Bill.
Tim Donaghy: A glorious career as a prison basketball referee. Maybe he’ll find out what the punishment is for fixing those games.
NCAA schools (Division I): An overhaul of the mindset in college athletics. Too many schools accept the idea that college is just a way to get kids into the pros, and too many athletes even one is too many eat it up. Nothing is more demeaning to a higher education institution than ignoring its primary function: academics.
NCAA schools (Division III): See above. Not nearly as obvious a problem, but there are ways to circumvent the admissions process for special cases, and that is just as dangerous.
Michael Vick: A special form of house arrest involving an Invisible Fence.
American Tennis Players: A European mentality.
European Tennis Players: American fans.
Sports fans around the globe: Another year of highlights, lowlights, fantastic finishes and blowouts because if every game were an instant classic, sports wouldn’t be nearly as cool.
Whatever holiday it is that you celebrate this season, let it be wonderful and safe. And filled with bowl games.
Moeller is a member of the class of 2009.
