Aries (March 21-April 19) – When you buy a motorcycle, you’ll find that girls you never met all of a sudden want to ride your crotch rocket.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Now that it’s an army of one you’re much less concerned about a draft.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – April showers keep people in Towers!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – As you watch tours of hopeful applicants eagerly gaze at the library, you’ll realize that this drinking institution is quickly developing an academic problem.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – When you discover that Rogaine prevents positive marijuana hair tests, you’ll finally realize why hippies always have such full heads of hair.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Although beer is served at a beer-b-que, you’ll soon find out that a bar-b-que does not include full liquor service.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – With bikini season approaching, most girls are on bare bones rations and running on the treadmill at a grueling pace. Others will try the dysentery approach.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Some students wear special decorations on their robe when they cum laude at graduation. You, on the other hand, just have a stain.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – If you’re dating a guy on steroids he may be packing heat, but the clip is empty.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When you’re a little too drunk after your golf-themed mixer, you’ll remind your date that when the stroke limit is reached you must move to the next hole.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You won’t realize until you reach the event that the invite did not mean for you to wear a black tie around your waist.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When the class you decided to skip is held outside, you’ll feel awkward asking your professor if your campus golf foursome can play through.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe your luck will soon change).

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