Aries (March 21-April 19) – You’ll be hurt when your loved one asks you to get a G-spot GPS system for Valentine’s Day.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Need some extra motivation to quit smoking? Get pregnant!
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – As a BCS major, participating in studies is a great way to make money while destroying your competitor’s research.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Because Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, the rest of this hemisphere will have six more weeks of Rochester.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Huge, campus -wide events such as Winterfest and compelling Super Bowl ads really make the $45K worth it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It’s great having a female on your construction team. She’ll love to do all the jackhammer work!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When bringing your computer to class for a presentation, don’t forget to change the illicit photoshop of one of your classmates as your background.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – It’s nice to know that while you’re out at the bars having a good time, someone is intensely studying in Carlson so he can save your liver in 40 years.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Remember, it’s not always just her desires that can be burning for you!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You won’t be surprised to hear that Tilt’s specialty is their flaming shots.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As a beautiful pair of twins ride by, you’ll realize that tandem bicycles can be very arousing.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Giving up vowels for Lent will not excuse you from writing your term paper.
(If you actually believe this, then you believed in the Patriots hype.)
