Aries (March 21-April 19) – All work and no play makes Jack a typical University of Rochester student.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After the explosive news expos on UR’s rampant disregard for the open container policy, opaque Nalgene sales rose significantly.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When your drug dealer continues to randomly fall asleep during the deal, you will begin to suspect him of being a narc.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Girls wearing stilettos at bars are the best to pick up. You can use their shoe to put the notch in your bed post!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – In response to the increasing number of students being mugged for money, University of Rochester has decided to raise tuition for next semester.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – In order to secure themselves as the laughing stock of home users, Microsoft plans to launch Hyena, the competition to Mac’s new operating system.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Your Take Five topic about the history of high class escorts in the United States will unfortunately be ruled an indecent proposal.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – In an effort to save time highlighting their notes, many bio majors have begun to simply print the notes on neon yellow paper.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Since the weather has grown colder, the bookstore has reported a dramatic decrease in the sale of women’s razors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Want to make the world a better place? Follow Soulja Boy’s advice and turn your girlfriend into a superhero!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Checking for toilet paper before you squat is much more important the day after Halloween.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Every game is a drinking game if you drink while you play!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe beans are a magical fruit!)

David Jin strives for perfection with “Moments I Missed”

It’s not often that you hear someone cite Kim Kardashian as their biggest inspiration for going to law school. 

TikTok trend spurs rise in campus elevators thefts

Close acquaintances of the dirty, dirty criminals claimed that one party “would sneak his hand in at the last second to feel how tight it squeezed."

A lively, local-run night at Montage Music Hall

 The performances at Montage made for a very memorable Saturday night, with Hamwey’s long saxophone solos the true highlight of the evening.