Aries (March 21-April 19) – All work and no play makes Jack a typical University of Rochester student.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After the explosive news expos on UR’s rampant disregard for the open container policy, opaque Nalgene sales rose significantly.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When your drug dealer continues to randomly fall asleep during the deal, you will begin to suspect him of being a narc.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Girls wearing stilettos at bars are the best to pick up. You can use their shoe to put the notch in your bed post!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – In response to the increasing number of students being mugged for money, University of Rochester has decided to raise tuition for next semester.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – In order to secure themselves as the laughing stock of home users, Microsoft plans to launch Hyena, the competition to Mac’s new operating system.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Your Take Five topic about the history of high class escorts in the United States will unfortunately be ruled an indecent proposal.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – In an effort to save time highlighting their notes, many bio majors have begun to simply print the notes on neon yellow paper.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Since the weather has grown colder, the bookstore has reported a dramatic decrease in the sale of women’s razors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Want to make the world a better place? Follow Soulja Boy’s advice and turn your girlfriend into a superhero!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Checking for toilet paper before you squat is much more important the day after Halloween.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Every game is a drinking game if you drink while you play!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe beans are a magical fruit!)

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