Aries (March 21-April 19) – Well, Valentine’s Day has come and gone, the beautiful holiday of love? or infidelity, it depends where your girlfriend lives.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Many people think Valentine’s Day is a big marketing scam. These people were probably masturbating last night.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – While this blizzard seems like a curse, you see it as an excuse to stay in and play Guitar Hero all day. Not that you ever needed an excuse before?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Some people say that trudging through the snow helps to build character. You’ll discover it actually just builds rage, usually directed at people who say stuff like that.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – When asked why you became a chemistry TA, you always say, “To help others learn.” Everyone knows you really did it to steal lab equipment and make bongs though.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Non-alcoholic parties on the frat quad can be a blast, assuming you get loaded beforehand of course.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You never realized how empty your life was until you played Never Have I Ever with a couple of hookers.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Don’t get upset if the heat in your room doesn’t work. Throw on a hat, invite some girls over and host a THO party!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – A new study shows that hormones in male sweat increase sexual arousal in women, prompting the release of a new Axe scent: Eau de Fat Guy.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Remember, nothing says, “I thought long and hard about you,” like a gift given on Facebook.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You will regret wearing button-fly jeans to the library as you attempt to casually close your fly in the PRR.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When you have to streak the frat quad this weekend, you’ll be glad it’s snowing so you can use the excuse, “It’s just that it’s cold out here.”
(If you believe this, then you actually believe we live in a temperate climate.)