Aries (March 21-April 19) – Can’t stand the constant weather shifting? Hot to cold, dry to snow? I know it’s getting pretty out of hand. You should try and invent some sort of pill that could regulate cycles and patterns – you might even make a million bucks. By the way, I’m talking about weather patterns, you sicko.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Who wants a universal remote? You do, you do. I know. It’s like I’m inside your head.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Did it ever occur to you that sandwich bags don’t always have to hold just sandwiches? Didn’t think so. Start thinking outside the box.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Scissors – can’t run with ’em, can’t run without ’em. Take some risks this week, it’ll pay off in the end. If not in cash, bond or check, then in lessons learned.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Did you know that Jello is the illegitimate child of a Slinky and Yogurt? No, I bet you didn’t. So, in fact, you don’t know everything, so don’t always think you do. It’s OK to search for the answer or bow out gracefully at the expense of greater wisdom.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You can do it. Straight up, that’s all there is to it. You can do it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Ever notice how some things are described purely by their dominating market product name. For example, Chapstick, Cheez Whiz and Xerox. Can you think of any more? If you can, email them to the Campus Times, they need to know this for an upcoming article on the stereotyping of Scotch Tape and the emotional destruction it causes for Clear Tape Colin.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Who wants a mustache ride? Talk to Taurus, they’ve been wanting things lately.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Poof, you’re naked.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Try and find all your friends who are Sagittarius’ this week. I guarantee you’ll like it. By any means necessary, find them, even if you have to climb in trees and use binoculars. It’s well worth it, trust me. It’s also well worth the jail time. Oops, I’ve said too much.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) -Sorry about being lazy last week. I know you had a rough week and just wanted some unconditional love and support from your horoscope. Well this week won’t be different. That’s what puppies are for.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Buy Aquarius a puppy.
