Aries (March 21-April 19) – This week, I’m going to veer from the usual and give you a very serious horoscope. You must – hahaha – stop it, you’re tickling my feet and I can’t write the – haha – horoscope. Damn it, so much for that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The stars have aligned and love is in the air. Go after that special someone who has been on your mind. After all, friends can sing “Endless Love” in the dark, can’t they?
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Wrap yourself in gold foil and learn a new instrument. Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Buy a clock without numbers. It will train you to think outside the box.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Write a poem, sing a song, write a song, sing a poem. You can do it all can’t you? You hopeless romantic you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Grab your teddy bear, pack up your suitcase and get on the road. It’s time to see the world your way. Life’s an ocean, be careful where you walk your dog.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Metaphysics, it’ll get ya. Be sure to keep a lot of acetaminophen on hand.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Unleash your inner cowboy. Grab those boots, slap on a hat, and grab that crazy bull called life by the horns.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Some say that God created the earth in six days and rested on the seventh. Others say God procrastinated for six days and pulled an all nighter on the seventh. Eat lots of gummy worms all week to prepare for gummy finals, or masturbate constantly. Either way, you’re better off than you are now.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Where’s the chicken gumbo? Ask yourself this every morning when you wake up. This will help keep you grounded as Orion dips into the southern sky and your cheese dip pisses you off because he never goes to the supermarket. That Orion is such a mooch.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Start freaking out. It’s not okay. I lied last time. Or just get together with Aries and sing “Endless Love” in the dark. It will really make her swoon when your fantastic vocal skills emerge.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Gravity is a bitch, but don’t let it get you down. Celebrate yourself by jumping. At least you got a foot off the ground, didn’t you? Unless you’re wearing lead boots, in which case you fell over, broke your neck and got lead poisoning.
(If you actually believe this, then you really thought that “Brokeback Mountain” would be a typical cowboy western)
