Aries (March 21-April 19) – Puppets always have wood. That makes them good lovers. The problem is, the girl puppet keeps pulling the guy’s strings. If you think you’re getting your strings pulled, cut some.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Not a problem. Nothing for you this week will be a problem. Keep your head above water by wearing those little arm band flotation devices.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? About how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? Roast some pumpkin seeds and give Bo Peep a wet one for me. That’s not even a horoscope.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – If your tummy hurts, eat some food, unless someone punched you. In that case, pick yourself up and dust off. Bad things knock you down – it’s getting up that counts.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Stop whining. Nobody likes to hear a whiner. Complaining about legitimate issues to someone of importance is OK – friends make life better, and that’s what they’re there for. The thing is, no one cares how broken up you are about Christina Aguilera’s new weave.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Treat yourself to sleep this week. I know it’s been tough and there’s a lot on your mind. Just be aware that not over working and getting sleep will in the end make you more productive.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – If these walls could talk, they would tell you to shut the hell up. Also, they would tell you that you have a good phone-sex operator voice.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Random acts of kindness folks. Give them out. Hold the door open, make someone a sandwich, wipe someone’s ass. It’s all about the love this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – What exactly is a Sagittarius? Is it a unicorn? Unicorns are fun to party with, but next time, I’m only giving the unicorn beer. A unicorn who’s had too many shots breaks all the mirrors with its pointy horn.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Two words for you this week – breath mint. Or did I mean good job. Yeah, that’s it. Good job.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Life is like a flip of the coin. You’d just better hope you keep flipping heads, because when tails land, you die. It means that life is unpredictable, improbable, yet inevitable.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Tell Aquarius not to freak out because they got a serious horoscope this week. Tell them that next week their horoscope will make no sense whatsoever – like it usually does.
(If you actually believe this, then you really think “Lost” is based on a true story.)
Lax can be reached at jlax@campustimes.org.
