Aries (March 21-April 19) – Did you ever try eating a cactus? Well, let me be the first to tell you that this is a bad idea. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a bee suit for protection, just don’t eat cacti. What’s the moral of the story? Rocky always wins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – So you thought the message I delivered last week was harsh? Well, David never asked Goliath to take it easy on him after Goliath told him what he needed to hear. Instead he stoned that fool to death. So, don’t stone me to death, please.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Life is like a Rubix Cube. It keeps twisting and turning, becoming more puzzling with each day. I can solve the Rubix Cube because I know the meaning of life. Or do I know the meaning of life because I can solve the Rubix Cube?

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Do you know that kind of short, tall guy? He’s a little heavy, really thin, with dark, light hair and blue-green-brown eyes. Yeah, that’s the one. Don’t sit next to him on the subway.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Let me see your Tootsie Roll.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – What would be the consequences if everyone just started tagging my name all over campus? Would I get in trouble? Hey, if this dude Meliora can do it, why can’t I?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Need a little pick me up? Well, just go ride the elevators in Towers. Get it?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – The cool thing about stairs is that they can go down and up at the same time and still not even go anywhere at all. That’s freaking incredible, and so are you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – I wrote the Appendix to the Bible. Also, Jesus’ middle name was Pomegranate. What’s your middle name? Are you sure? That’s good – confidence is key to success.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Make sure to have five servings of dairy every day. Lactose intolerant? Better stock up on Pepto Bismol. Dairy is good for the heart and abdominal region. Also, it makes you feel special.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Not all doors to you are closed. There is always a choice, always an option – especially if you’re a thief with lock picking tools or a feathered boa.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Telling time isn’t reverse if you’re upside down. You just need to adjust to your surroundings. Also, don’t breathe under water – that’s not a healthy life decision.

(If you actually believe this, then you really think the kid who plays Harry Potter isn’t shaving twice a day.)

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