Aries (March 21-April 19) – This week you will discover a new talent. It won’t be pottery or lobster farming, but it will help you stand out in a crowd. Don’t worry though, you don’t need talents for people to like you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Wear lots of bright colors this week. You might be feeling down because the pace of life is picking up, but bright colors will attract bees, and bees can pollinate you. Getting pollinated can pick up anybody’s week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The problem with the hangover pill is not that it doesn’t get rid of hangovers – I hear it actually kind of works. The problem is remembering to take it when you’re face down in a puddle between Sue B. and the bridge to Hill Court.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Although pressures during the week will drive pyromaniac thoughts into your mind, don’t succumb to these temptations. Instead, eat lots of leafy greens, you giraffe you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Do you know that funny-hat kid? If you do, tell him his hat kicked ass today. He should date funny-sunglasses girl.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Do something active outside while the weather still permits. Try water-skiing or playing Twister in a tree. You’re going to miss the sun.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – I would like to take this opportunity to formerly apologize to all Libras for last week’s horoscope. It was rude, not creative and uninspired. With that cleared up, things are really going to be upbeat this week. You will make a great new friend and possible lover.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Rob a really small bank this week. The good thing about robbing a really small bank is that you take the whole thing home. By the way, I am not going to be an accessory to this robbery if you try robbing a full-sized bank.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You rule, you just straight-up rule. Flex your muscles and sing aloud for being so cool.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Don’t look back, you can never look back. If you live with regret you’ll never be happy. So lift your head high and be proud of your past, it’s what will define your future.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I’ll take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her back. Just kidding, your mom is really nice.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks for an ID and the guy says, “Yep, that’s Christopher Walken alright.”

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