Aries (March 21-April 19) – Go scuba diving. Go very far under water. Bring your midterms with you and don’t bring them back up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – What can I say. This week is going to suck for you. Just buckle your seat belts and hold on tight.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Join a sweepstakes where you can win one million dollars. Give me half. Hey, it was my idea.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – I am the love child of Snoop Dogg and Lil’Jon. I thought you should know. My chalice is shiny and my pimp hand is way strong. You’re special too, just not as special as me.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Watch the movie “Clueless” 13 times in one sitting. Now, try and get someone to watch “Clueless” with you once. You can’t do it because it’s impossible.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Ask somebody why upward facing lamps are illegal on campus. Now, find me a lamp that isn’t able to face upward. Like Leo’s horoscope, you can’t do it, because it’s impossible.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – I can’t read what I’m writing for your horoscope because it’s so damn dark in here. That one little light doesn’t do much, and Virgo can’t find me a lamp. Oh, and I don’t use a computer – I have really neat handwriting.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Once in a while, a horoscope comes along that is so moving, so provoking, so unbelievably fresh and original that the people reading that horoscope understand the meaning of life for one short instant. This is not that horoscope.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – By the time you read this, I will be on a plane and headed far, far away from here. Basically, what that means for you, is that I am having more fun, making your week miserable. Sorry, but I do sometimes enjoy watching other people in pain.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Bring a disposable camera on your spring break vacation. Chances are you won’t remember it. Better get photos of you taking body shots off of the small of Jack Black’s back in Jamestown, Virginia.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – If somebody told me that I was going to be the next Brad Pitt, I would believe them. If somebody told you that you were going to be the next me, then we’d have an interesting food chain.Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – This horoscope will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3 … BOOM. Sorry, I lied.
(If you actually believe this, then you really did think it would be warm and sunny by spring break.)