My friend likes this guy and I’m convinced that he doesn’t like her back, but she just doesn’t get it! She keeps making excuses for why he doesn’t talk to her, call her, IM her or hang out with her! How can I help her to stop before she gets too hurt?
~Friend of the Excuse-Maker
Dear Friend of the Excuse-Maker,
It sounds like your friend is experiencing a common side effect of college crushes – I believe the technical term for it is “denial!” You are probably finding that no matter what you tell her about this guy, your advice is being totally ignored. It can also be assumed that she’s making excuses for everything mean or bad that he does, such as “He hasn’t called me for three weeks because he’s been really busy with school,” or “He doesn’t respond to my Instant Messages because he’s writing a really important paper.”
But don’t fret too much – here are some things that I’ve found helpful in situations like this.
1. Get her to talk to one of her male friends about this guy. Sometimes girls just don’t listen to their girl friends about these things – bringing a boy into the situation who can tell her “No, he doesn’t like you back” will make a huge difference. You probably want to have tons of tissues and chocolate ready, because she may get upset!
2. Give her some literature on the subject. Because your friend is obviously not listening to you, she needs to hear the same message from someone else! I’ve found “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt very helpful! It’s for sale on campus in the UR Bookstore. This book basically analyzes everything that guys do – not call back, ignore you, not ask you out, flirt with your friend, etc. – and, in essence, says “If he’s doing these things, he doesn’t like you! Time to move on.” This book helps all those excuse-making girls out there – of whom there are millions – to face the facts and stop wasting time. But don’t worry – it’s not as mean as it sounds. It’s based on a popular “Sex and the City” episode and is meant to educate otherwise smart women – not hurt them!
3. Find her another crush! It won’t totally get rid of the problem, but hey, at least you’ll stop having to hear about the same guy over and over again. This recommendation is only meant as a last resort.
All in all, I would say that you’re doing her a huge favor by sticking around as her friend. Eventually, the time will come when you can both think back on that guy and say, “Why did you ever like him?” For your sake, I hope that day comes soon!
Got love and relationship question that’s literally, ummm … burning? Ask our Love Goddess, Adrienne Monley, at email@example.com.