Let’s crunch some numbers here, folks – eightysomething days left till graduation, and only a mere 12 days left until Spring Break. The joyous thoughts flowing through my mind as I write this can not be expressed by simple words. The thought is finally starting to sink in that this is my last Spring Break as a college student. I mean, I’m only a precarious step away from the whole having to do the wife, wagon full of kids and white picket fence thing. Of course, I still have to get a girlfriend, but details, details.

As this is my last Spring Break, I want to make sure I go out in a blaze of drunken glory befitting a party animal of my stature. Now, as I reminisce over my past failures and triumphs toward this grand endeavor, I thought surely I could pass on some advice to the next generation.

First off, it is important to understand there are several ways to approach Spring Break. Keep in mind one person’s paradise is another’s “Weekend at Bernie’s.” So, if you have no plans yet, pay close attention to what I have to say. Note, if you have no plans as of yet, you are totally fucked, but please feel free to keep reading because I am sure you will find it diverting. Now on to our first option – Plan A.

Plan A consists of taking the easy way out and going home. Please do not do follow this plan.

I know it’s a tempting option to consider when all you have in your wallet is a novelty trillion dollar bill that nobody will accept, no matter how hard you try, but trust me, it sucks. You will have plenty of time to sit around in your underwear while your overprotective Jewish mother asks you if you are hungry every hour on the hour, while still managing to nag you over and over again to get off the couch and get a job.

Sorry – visions of my painful post-graduate future haunt my dreams.

Plan B is a variant on Plan A, and in my opinion, it’s a much better idea for those short on funds. Go on a road trip and visit some of your old high school friends. UR’s Spring Break does not match up with any other school’s Spring Break. So, you should not have too much trouble finding some friends to mooch off of for a bit.

As you, no doubt, plan on living off your friend’s meal plan, sleeping in his bed and possibly hooking up with his friends, a gift is generally in order. I suggest a fine bottle of booze. This you can give as a gift, but with the full intention of having the lion’s share of it. Aren’t you glad that you have access to my mind and the devious knowledge it contains?

Plan C is the most common Spring Break plan, and it applies to the more party-oriented student body. This plan is very broad, as it includes destinations such as Florida, Mexico, tropical cruises and “insert your generic Caribbean island.”

I want to tackle the cruise option first. I felt obliged to include this, but I do so with great hesitancy. If the insufferable Disney-themed, bloated white people, all-you-can-eat seafood buffet, carnival of crap advertisement campaign isn’t enough to turn you off from this option, let me hit you with some fresh knowledge. In signing up for a cruise, you are banking your entire trip on the people on that boat. Think about that one.

As for the whole Florida, Mexican, Caribbean trips, I am going to lump them all together. To the nay-sayers out there, these trips can be done very economically and are well worth it. I speak from personal experience on this account, since my best breaks were spent at such places.

While I pretty much guarantee you a good time, this statement is made with an important notice. Guys, you might not hook up with someone. There is a lot of competition out there, and even if you think you’re the shit, you are just a small guppy in a vast ocean when it comes to the Spring Break crowd, and every guy out there is thinking the same thing as you. So just have a blast with your friends and just remember what you do in the privacy of your hotel room is your own business.

Kutcher can be reached at jkutcher@campustimes.org.

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