[I’m sorry that this letter comes after your deadline, so if you do not include it I will not be insulted, like I was with Ben Heaton and his bad satire]
Finally Mr. Ben Heaton, in “Marriage debate not a new one,” has put Neo-Nazi Conservatism back on track. For too long in this country have we allowed diversity to roam free and look where it has gotten us: people from all backgrounds have become so comfortable coexisting that they dare to dream of sharing a life together under the law! But what does Mr. Heaton mean by “a black man and white woman” ONLY “adopt[ing] a child”-not only are these miscreants soiling the sanctity of marriage, they are creating a new generation of unholy spawn. The fact I even exist and freely attend college is testament enough to the plague of racial contamination. I am made to wear the bane of being interracial on my face everyday-my eyes are too slanted, my hair too red, cheekbones too high, skin too white. Until I legally change my name I will only be known by a symbol of my stigma-why couldn’t I have just been called something completely Asian or completely European? To atone for the sins of my parents, I must not lament my disgrace and recognize my unique opportunity to be a martyr to this cause of ethnic purification. Whenever you see me on campus, I beseech you all to make an example of me and do whatever it takes to show people the horrors of celebrating our differences-call me an “unnatural” half-breed, condemn my “deviant interracial lifestyle” and harshly remind me that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and some [insert color here] woman.” Since my breeding with a man of any race would be ethnic mixing, if you see any man even so much as give me a glance, alert him his committing the gross error of aberrant interracial attraction. For my part, I will do my best to stop this “destruction of the nuclear family” by refraining from marriage and children, and convert my fellow biologically-impossible mutts to keep them from further propagating this “immorality.” Under Mr. Heaton’s rallying cry, we can misunderstand each other through misguided analogies, befuddled metaphors and insensitive satire until we realize that a lot of the time, we end up saying things we do not mean.