Recently in a Campus Times Editorial Board meeting, someone joked that I could be the resident “Queer Eye” for the newspaper. After mulling over the suggestion for a few moments, I decided that she was right -not just about my qualifications, but right in a broader sense.
It was this moment that made me realize that everyone could use their own personal Queer Eye, someone who would not let them in public with unkempt hair, atrocious clothing and distracting accessories.
That leads me into my current endeavor -identifying the sports figures in direst need of a personal Queer Eye, or QE. Because such a need would require much more space than I’m allotted here, and also because I’d sooner get back to watching the U.S. Open on the USA Network than wax appalled at the state of athlete role-model fashion, I choose to focus instead on the two tennis players most in need of QE guidance-Serena Williams and Andy Roddick.
I suppose there are some among you who already want my head on a stake, for Williams and Roddick are arguably the most admired American athletes on the tennis circuits (sans Andre Agassi of course). But who among you are gayer than I?
Back to the main point I go then…
Roddick has natural-good looks, an awesome coach and the fastest serve in the history of the game. It is for shame, then, that the shirt he chooses to wear at this year’s Open is louder than a Jennifer Capriati grunt at the end of an arduous match.
For those of you who haven’t seen Roddick’s attire, he sports a shirt imprinted with the routes of New York’s Metro system, along with his trademark baseball cap. While I’ve long had qualms with his baseball cap (I think it makes him look hokie), the Metro-inspired three-sizes-too-large tee shirt causes me the most angst. Looking at the train stops tattooed across his shirt makes me ask myself if there’s someplace I need to be.
Okay, so maybe I’m nitpicking on Roddick, but word on the street is that John McEnroe happens to agree with me on this – and as you all know, Johnny Mac can get just a wee bit pissy when people disagree with his calls.
On the other hand there’s six-time grand slam winner Serena Williams. Williams’ space-age Nike “fuck me” boots are an abomination of a magnitude never before seen on the tour. What’s more, Williams struts to her matches wearing way-too-high black denim shorts with Nike swooshes on the waistlines, and a studded black denim top to match. The entire ensemble looks like a Levi’s commercial meets Hookers at the Point. So as not to offend the vaunted moral majority, the USA Network has decided not to show Williams’ matches until after hours.
Perhaps the most impressive thing about Serena is that she kicks serious butt while sporting big-ass hoop earrings and about three pounds of fake blonde hair. Although I adore her game, and am just the tiniest bit jealous of her biceps, the hoop earrings and the horse hair have to go. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between Serena Williams and Shanana, the transsexual-inspired ambiguously orientated shemale from the 90’s hit television show Martin.
Why hasn’t one of Serena’s adoring homosexualite fans pointed this out to her. Of course, you couldn’t just approach the world’s best tennis player, but at some point during a changeover, someone could have shouted, “Honey, no! What is this?!” I think she would have gotten the point.
Which brings me to my final point. Sterotypes about gay people are bad.
Tipton can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.