Amending the unamendable – G. Bush

Washington – Late Wednesday. While answering questions about his newly proposed constitutional amendment that would prohibit gay marriages, President Bush was caught off-guard by some pointed inquiries raised by a reporter. Early reports indicate that the reporter, whose name and affiliation were never revealed, began his interrogation by posing to the president the seemingly innocuous question, “You claim that gay marriage will ruin the institution of marriage, yet I’d suggest that rampant infidelity, an exponential increase in the divorce rate and hastily planned marriages are doing more to damage the name. Your thoughts?” A murmur developed within the crowd continued as a visibly unprepared Bush began to stammer out a response. Suddenly, the same reporter continued, “I also fail to see the impact a gay couple getting married could have on the country as a whole, or even yourself . . . could you explain your fervent opinion?” Following the question the assembly of journalists fell to a hush, some observing Bush’s knuckles whiten as they clenched the podium. The president was yet again prevented from properly responding as the reporter continued on with a third inquiry.”Do you think it’s a foreboding sign that this amendment is based on no empirical evidence whatsoever and instead on religious doctrines – the implications of which are far more dangerous to our country than gay marriage could ever be?” In finishing, spectators recount that the inquisitive reporter then readied his notepad and patiently waited. A minute passed with no answer, during which the president became visibly reddened and his breathing audible. Confused journalists began calling for a response, prompting Bush to demand for the ejection of the audacious reporter. When it was pointed out that the man had committed no act that would preclude his removal, Bush’s neck began twitching. Breaking out in an intense sweat, he bellowed, “I amend that this reporter’s privilege to speak be revoked!” Immediately, the room went silent as Bush rummaged around for his Ampad and Uni-Ball Vision series pen, which he used to furiously scrawl out his newest amendment. Those present exchanged puzzled glances with each other before it was interjected that the newest proposal infringed upon first amendment rights. A smirking Bush resumed his writing, promising to “do something about that first amendment.” The tension further escalated when it was noted that Bush’s amendments would have to be ratified by Congress before becoming effective, and thus were quite moot in the present setting. Frothing at the mouth, Bush flipped the page on his Ampad and began scribbling madly again, narrating, “I amend that the president alone can ratify amendments!” Bush then went on to introduce a dozen more amendments in as many minutes, mandating everything from his own infallibility to the type of coffee that an intern was to bring him. White House aides scrambled about the stage and into the crowd, diving after newly scribed amendments as the president tossed them into the air. Shocked reporters tore through notepads, trying desperately to record each new amendment as Bush blurted them out.The melee subsided only when Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from a secret manhole cover hidden in the floor to attempt to reason with the president. Finding no success, Cheney enlisted the assistance of Secret Service agents in tearing the pen and paper from the feral president’s hands and subduing him, with Bush reportedly yelling, “I amend you to let go of me” while being dragged out. The situation rectified, Cheney dropped a smoke bomb and disappeared, leaving only the throng of speechless journalists.As the room slowly emptied, a visibly disillusioned White House staffer approached a young intern, who was doing a handstand against the wall – the result of one of Bush’s myriad amendments. The young man heaved a sigh of relief when he was told that the amendments weren’t valid and that he should cease standing on his hands immediately. When the staffer inquired of the man why he had adhered to such a ridiculous amendment from the president, the man simply replied, “It seemed no sillier than his others.”Janowitz can be reached at njanowitz@campustimes.org.