Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’re gonna die! But I can’t say that’ll be my fault. Just avoid jaywalking and things should be OK. Don’t come to me if you fall over dead anyhow, though.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Cathy’s mom rocks. And because of this you’re going to get a decent “horrorscope.” If you wear short shorts, people will whistle. It just makes sense. So if you don’t want a whistle – or a gangbang – then keep the short-shorts long.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You’ve found the woman of your dreams. Work on your tongue exercises and buy her flowers regularly and you’ll never be single again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Finally got what you wanted, huh? So play it safe and don’t do random boys or girls. Not only could you bring CIF home, but you could get gonorrhea, too.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Unfortunately for everyone around you, you are still an ass. Perhaps we should put a saddle on you and ride you to school. Or maybe you could stop being so obstinate and apologize to everyone you’ve been rude to. You were wrong for that doo-doo.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Flying in on the wings of your maxi-pad, you developed a tear. Don’t let this slow you down in life, just patch it up and keep on going.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Damn girl, your ass is fine! You better watch out cause I’ve got my good shoes on, and I’ve got them on tight. Mmmmm…

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You lost out on the best thing ever years ago. Your life is pretty much worthless now, but maybe if you become the president you’ll have another chance.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – I don’t think I’m ready for your jelly, babe. You really do rock and someday a nice gentleman will realize this and make you see spots and colors you didn’t know existed.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You suck, too. If the dead end job doesn’t make you want to kill yourself, how about this? You’ll date someone 20 years older. Sorry.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Run Forrest, run. Outrun that evil math professor and just get out of the class. If you fall behind it won’t be worth the effort to catch up.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Zack Morris is the bomb, but you need to get over this crush. Time hasn’t been nice to him and no one is that slick anyhow.

(If you actually believe this, maybe the University of Phoenix is more your speed. This is not to be taken seriously.)

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You can be bent over for two reasons at this school — either you're laughing so hard you can’t breathe, or you’re getting fucked over.