Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t trust everything you read. For instance, the mercator projection map might lead you to believe that Greenland is roughly the size of Africa. It is, in fact, several times larger.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Due to my lack of creativity, you do not get your own horoscope this week. Choose one that you like and go with it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Take some time to yourself. The stars say you’re getting on their nerves, and you should stop leaving your dirty dishes around.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – One time, I got a fortune cookie and the fortune was, “Try our spring rolls.” I feel like that was a rip-off fortune, and I’ve decided to pass the rip-off on to you. Try the spring rolls.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – The stars predict that it will be hard for you to get your work done as finals approach. It’s probably best to just accept this and goof off rather than stressing out.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Don’t trust Gemini this week. Gemini is a big liar. Everything Gemini says to you will probably be some self-serving lie to trick you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Man, what the hell is up with Taurus this week? You were just trying to make a little small talk, and Taurus went all psycho. I recommend keeping a little distance between yourselves.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?” This week, the stars considered themselves comedians. As you can see, they have a ways to go, but I think its probably for the best if you politely laugh along with them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – This is the best week for you to rob a bank. Next week, not so much, but this week is looking pretty good.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – As usual, the stars predict great things for Virgos. Some have commented on the relationship between that fact and the fact that I am a Virgo, but they are clearly just jealous.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Instead of consulting the stars for Libras, I decided instead to try something called “bibliomancy,” or divination by reading a random word from a book. I used the dictionary. Your fortune for this week is “Kremlin.” Interpretation is up to you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You know that special someone you’ve been thinking about? They’ve noticed that you stare at them, and they think its kind of creepy. Cut it out.
(If you actually believe this, you’re my kind of person. This is not to be taken seriously.)
