By Gloria Gaynor
In a surprise move Monday night, Comrades of SA President and senior Lonny Mallach led students in attack formation into the Gowan Room and took over the senate by force, citing that the senate needed a ‘regime change.’
“It was time to get rid of Ashley Conner,” Mallach said. “She is a weapon of mass destruction.”
“If she doesn’t leave there will be some serious dance dance retribution.”
In lieu of recent voting debacles, Mallach also felt senate should be scrapped once and for all.
“Instead of re-voting I said ‘screw it,’ we should just get rid of senate entirely,” he said. “It seems like a good idea to me anyway.”
Under the regime change, any old senator in any kind of contentious situation is to be immediately removed from power for an indefinite period.
As payment for his services, Mallach will require 2 percent of the total activity fee collections.
Lonny Mallach will replace the senate and act as the sole acting force of student government. “This isn’t a new dictatorship,” he said, while he shoving packets of $100 bills into his pockets.
“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!” Dean of The College William Green said, then proceeded to exit the room quickly.
Director of UR Security Walter Mauldin thought about issuing a pre-emptive strike to eliminate Mallach before he could pose a serious threat.
“We thought Ashley Conner was a far more dangerous part of the Axis of Evil,” Wally said.
Current senators put up little resistance to the takeover, and were reported to have shrugged and left the room when the announcement was made.
Mallach was surprised and pleased. “I didn’t think it would be that easy,” he said.
Starting next week, Mallach plans to put into action as many referendums as possible before the end of his undergraduate career.
“I plan to carry out more of my plans that will eventually fall apart when I leave,” he was overheard saying.
Ilana Saplain-Khain was the only senator who voiced complaint about the regime change. “It’s not fair. I didn’t have any say in this matter,” she said.
When asked for comment Associate Dean of Students Matthew Burns noted, “I don’t really know what’s going on in this situation.”
“By the way, I’m not Jody Asbury’s bitch,” he said without being asked.
UR President Thomas Jackson was disappointed in the events that took place and was reported telling Mallach, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
Mallach has declared that his takeover will benefit the students of UR – his number one priority.
“I am here for the student. With this change it will bring new freedom for the UR campus,” he said. “They will be uplifted from the current dictatorship and incompetence of the senate and will enjoy freedoms they have not known before.”
Director of Student Activities Anne-Marie-Jessie-Lou Algier was not pleased with events that unfolded. “I don’t know what happened,” she said. “Lonny and I are buddies – I thought I would have been in on it.”
Mallach also tore up the constitution and threw a match into the garbage. “They didn’t follow [the constitution] anyway,” he said. Mallach plans also on holding private meetings with Green to discuss changes for his new plan of government. “And you’re not invited,” he told a Campus Campus Revolution staffer.
Green added his thoughts on the matter. “IT’S ALL PART OF THE PLAN! AND YOU THOUGHT THE DEAN’S ADVISORY COMMITTEE WAS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. FOOLS! WA HA HA!”
Students had mixed reactions.
“We have a senate?” one student responded.
“Too bad I can’t join now. That would look good on my rsum,” another student added.
Mallach plans on handing his newly gained position over to junior Aaron Severs upon graduating.
“Aaron’s my slave, I think he can follow in my footsteps,” he said.
Gaynor can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.