BY TAB LOID
UR President Thomas “Michael” Jackson shocked fans and students alike on Wednesday when he grabbed UR’s Mascot – URbee – with one arm and dangled him over a railing outside the second floor of Rush Rhees Library.
In a statement released by his lawyer, Jackson said, “I made a terrible mistake. I got caught up in the excitement of the moment.”
“I would never intentionally endanger the lives of my children,” Jackaon said, refering to URbee and Provost Charles Phelps.
Director of UR Security Walter Mauldin said Sunday that an investigation had been opened into the incident.
“We just installed a new camera system on campus for Jackson sightings on campus,” Mauldin said. “We have officers looking into every aspect of this case.”
“Besides,” Mauldin said, “URbee always makes me giggle like a little school girl.”
Keg found in Mauldin’s office
A half empty keg and a heavily intoxicated Dean Jody ‘Power Hour’ Asbury were found on Monday in ‘Foxy’ Mauldin’s office by UR Security.
“Well, seems to me it’s all pretty cut and dry. We had one tanked lady and one needy officer,” Security said. Cameras recorded Dean Asbury entering Wally’s office. “I’ve learned from the evil ways of liquer,” Asbury said.
CCR staff steals keg from Fraternity Quad
Members of the Campus Campus Revolution staff stole large amounts of alcohol from houses on the Fraternity Quad late Saturday night.
“Paper for beer, seems fair to us,” said CCR Ring Leader Jumpin’ James Flash. “Besides, I was thirsty.”
CCR declined to confirm whether the keg found in Mauldin’s Office was one of many in their possession.
Chaplain found strewn across frat steps
An unnamed chaplain was found Saturday morning unconscious on the steps of the Sigma Chi fraternity house. It is rumored he had partaken in the party at the house the night before and had not made it past the front steps.
Former director of the Interfaith Chapel Dean Jody ‘Power Hour’ Asbury said, “Eh, it happens.”
Statue of ‘some President’ stolen
The statue of ‘some dead guy’ that faces Wilson Commons was stolen last night in an unprecedented act of larceny. Security suspects some kind of sorority pledge act was responsible. It is now believed to be resting in the middle of a Brazilian farm after being pawned off by the perpetrators.
Booty Call proves dangerous
A member of the D’Motions dance team was injured Saturday night when the excessive force of one dancer’s booty shaking caused her to fly across the room and ultimately resulted in an upper arm fracture.
Information provided by your mom.