By Gloria Gaynor

Disco-Happy Diva

In attempts to lure students into eating at Danforth Dining Center, UR’s Dining Facilities has initiated new changes in Danforth’s dining policies.

Since colored plates and new hours have yet to improve student attendance, Dining Services has now hired waiters to entertain the crowd and agreed to monetary incentives for students choosing to dine at Danforth.

“It seems nothing we’re doing is working,” Chris Coleman said. “We’re going to have to go to extremes this time. It seems our ruse with the colored plates has fallen through.”

Students will now receive reductions on their tuition when purchasing any meal at Danforth. Students will be able to swipe their card and automatically have a reduction on their term bill.

“I [think] it’s a [great] idea,” President Thomas Jackson said. “[Anything] we can do to [save] – the students – [money] is something we [are] willing to [accommodate],” he continued. Something about it not mattering due to the recent tuition increase was muttered, but was not caught by reporters.

Students seem ambivalent about the proposed changes. “I think it sounds all right,” sophomore and current DDR champion Stephen Re said. “I don’t know if I’ll go to Danforth more though.”

Deliberations are currently being carried out regarding how much will be reduced off of students’ tuition.

Spike – the ARAMARK mascot – will also randomly appear at meals to boost student morale.

“If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. We might start having to order high quality food.”

Another idea being considered is having various administrators eat at Danforth on weeknights to encourage students to come and talk with them about pertinent issues.

“Yes…that’s one idea,” Dean of Students Jody Asbury said.

Waiters will all undergo training for their new duties, including habachi grill courses, advanced serving technique and tableside entertainment such as card tricks and juggling.

UR is sponsoring a program inviting all the dining service workers to attend a weekend long seminar at the Sheraton Four Points in downtown Rochester on the finer points of dining as well.

“I’m all for it,” dining services worker Jermaine Jackson said. “Humans should realize the true value of food service and take full advantage of its qualities.”

Dean of The College William Green was also a proponent of the plan. “THIS WILL BE ALMOST AS GREAT AS I AM!!!” he said.

Further comment could not be obtained, as he was interrupted by an urgent call to his judging duty at the Dance Dance Revolution machine.

Students in general had mixed reactions to the plan. “I still like the burgers at the Pit,” one typical apathetic UR student said.

“What will students do with a few dollars off of our tuition? We already pay so much to go here.”

“We should see some real changes. That’s what I would like to see,” second typical apathetic UR student said.

Dining Services has high hopes for these changes, however, and threatens another dining survey if students are still dissatisfied.

“We won’t hesitate to bring in consultants again,” a dining services monkey said. “We want to make the students happy, whatever the cost to them.”

Gaynor can be reached at

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