A while ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that movies, specifically mainstream cinema, suck. And every time a movie came out to renew my faith in films, something else came out to dash my hopes. For instance “Fellowship of the Rings” came out at around the same time as “Star Wars Episode 2.”

It is almost as if, for some karmic reason, some balance is always preserved, and for every great film released, some other movie has to be produced that gives new meaning to the word bad.

So I had an idea, an idea that is called “Ninja Robot Attack.” My friend Will and I are writing this movie right now, designed to preserve the balance all by itself — to be simultaneously the best and worst film ever made.

As the title implies, the film features robots of the ninja variety, as any high quality film should. But that is merely the beginning. The film winds together conspiracy theories, zombies, religion and time travel in a web of chaos so brilliant that I’m surprised no one has come up with it before.

Our story begins in A.D. 33 when Jesus is abducted by the C.I.A. to be cloned into their super-soldier. However, Ninja Robots intervene and through some time travel malfunction everyone is shot forward in time, to the year 3024.

Already, we have all the elements of great cinema — time travel, robots and Jesus. In order to sustain interest beyond this fantastic opening, this film needs conflict. For instance, a three-way conflict between humans, robots and most importantly, zombies.

The story is this — the earth has been divided into two sides, one ruled by robots, the other running amuck with zombies. There seems to be little hope left for humans in this dark future.

Obviously you are all on the edge of your seats, waiting with bated breath to find out what is to become of humankind. Unfortunately, the writing process has stalled out. Will and I have the overall plotline in mind, but we need time and, more importantly, money, in order to complete the creative process.

Allow me to explain. Every time Will and I sit down to write, we first have to complete a crossword puzzle. It gets our brains going, makes us test our intellectual limits and allows us to procrastinate effectively. We follow that up with a fair amount of Tetris — head-to-head mode on Game Boys, and well, long story short, we usually need dinner before we actually get to any real writing. We’ve found, through painstaking — but delicious — research that we write best after eating Chinese food.

Needless to say that delivery charges have been racking up and we can’t do any more writing until we get some cash.

So, if you’d like to see this film come to fruition, come visit Will or me on Anderson 3, and give us some cash. Alternatively, if you have friends or relatives in the movie business, you could call in any outstanding favors, and grease some cinematic wheels.

For more information on this project, and how you can help, feel free to e-mail me.

Powell can be reached at lpowell@campustimes.org.

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