The CD I am reviewing is a total disaster.

I really wished my first review was a positive one, but after listening to Seventeen?s debut album entitled ?Bikini Pie Fight? I can only hope my next review won?t be so disappointing.

At first, I was intrigued and eager to delve into the music because of the cover artwork. You can?t really ask for much more than three bikini-clad teenage girls dousing themselves with whipped cream pies.

Also grabbing my attention were some of the unusual song titles, such as ?Fingerbang,? ?Porno Getaway? and ?Mountains, Literally Mountains of Coke.?

However, I soon discovered that this band is essentially nothing more than a comedy club act ? it?s all one big joke.

Singer Jon Baird said, ?This album is an extension of how we understand music, which is just pure fun and entertainment.?

But how can anyone, especially music lovers, take them seriously?

Seventeen is a collection of four clowns making a mockery of the entire music industry. Known for pulling stunts and putting on rehearsed acting shows, Seventeen has performed in drag, with monkeys and in studded codpieces.

They have also been dragged on-stage in chains by policewomen and have cut the seat out of their pants and asked the audience to pelt their asses with beach balls. Maybe they are succeeding in having fun, but they sure don?t impress me as professional musicians.

Some of their tracks are unbearable to listen to. ?Return to Disco Mountain? is a dual- genre piece; beginning with an outmoded disco pattern and busting into something reminiscent of a German death metal chorus. It doesn?t work.

Track nine, cleverly called ?Number 9,? unfortunately reminds me of that song ?Mickey,? but with a twist of annoying British punk. Once again, it doesn?t work.

My two least favorite tunes on this album are ?T-22? and the hidden track. ?T-22? actually had some potential with its mysterious yet relaxing chord progression, but it tragically fell apart with two and a half minutes of a young French couple having a romantic dinner conversation.

The hidden track, which should have stayed hidden, is a boring history lesson on the development of computers.

What?s worse is the song?s boring techno overlaid with electronic voices and humans with lisps and other speech impediments.

What?s also upsetting is the complete absurdity of the lyrical quality and content.

In ?Captain Tito,? the entire lyrics are as follows:

?I?m in uniform, got my super tool, budget superhero, memorize the rules, no stain jacket, no pompadours, no poodle skirts, no dapper dorks, it?s not my fault, the bureau would love to kill them all, I?d give it all for double d?s, would they know it?s me? I know the dudes in the Gotham jail, it?s all in and out, they?re all getting railed.?

Bands don?t always have to be lyrically poetic or socially or politically orientated, but some comprehensiveness would be nice.

It?s impossible to tell what these guys are singing about. Imagine Green Day or Blink 182 as immature play schoolers, and you get Seventeen. They are dumb rock.

As for a grade, I give them an ?F.? I don?t even give them an ?E? for effort. But since I am in a good mood because I had a really nice day, I?ll grant them one of four stars.

This super-generous gesture is only a result of their display of half-naked women covered in whipped cream as cover art, and maybe because they?re from my hometown of Boston.

Other than that, however, do not bother with this one. Don?t waste your precious spare time downloading it from Napster either.

If you really want to check them out and challenge my views, you can see them perform March 29 at the Bug Jar, at 219 Monroe Ave. in Rochester. But I doubt those cover girls will be there, and they are the highlight of this album.

I?d like to conclude by saying that music, like art and everything else in this world, is entirely subjective.

If I?ve offended any of Seventeen?s fans ? I?m talking to both of you ? then I?m sorry.

For those who like Seventeen, rock on, more power to you. Just go get your head checked.

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