First-year Jeffery Baldoni, a prospective Audio and Music Engineering major from Hoosick Falls, NY, is still completely unaware that every mistake he makes on a PHY 121 midterm changes the scientific laws of the known universe accordingly. The first-year’s eldritch ignorance came to attention first when a faulty use of the buoyancy equation sunk every vessel in the South China Sea.

“We’ve been trying to make sure he’s studying,” said Baldoni’s roommate, first-year Ramon Park. “We started out soft — ‘Hey, we’re all gonna hang out in the quiet part of the stacks, wanna come?’ — that sort of thing. When that didn’t work, we put parental controls on his laptop that kept him from doing anything but WeBWork, but his grades still haven’t gone up. I mean, he might just be that dumb.”

Baldoni remains blissfully unaware of his terrible gifts. A native of Hoeing 4 and aspiring Yellowjacket, he told reporters assembled outside Hoyt that he had, “definitely studied a little harder for this one.”

“I’m still not quite sure why the Campus Times and every other media organization in the world seems so hung up on how I do in 121,” he told the Campus Times. “Like, I don’t even care all that much. It’s just a prereq, you feel? And I’m not an AME because I want to be a hardcore engineer, I’m an AME because I just want to make chill beats for studying and watching anime while half-heartedly masturbating, you feel me? Do you feel?”

Scared for their lives, a number of the assembled reporters reaffirmed that yes, of course, for the love of God, they did feel him. Before entering Hoyt, Baldoni did a quick once over of a scant formula cheat sheet his Professor had allowed him solely to protect the delicate balance of all creation, and said to no one in particular, “It’s all about self-care.”

“If you look at societies in unstoppable decline — late Rome, the U.S. from 2008 onward, late-night Dougie on a weekend — you’ll always see an uptick in individuals claiming to have cataclysmic powers,” Dr. Joelle Incandenza, the head of the State Department’s research team, told reporters. “However, we frankly haven’t ever been able to confirm the existence of these powers until now.” Dr. Incandenza then looked into the middle distance, removed her glasses, and began praying to whatever divine being still held sway over Baldoni that the kid had at least practiced a few free-body diagrams.

Tagged: Midterms Physics


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