Ah, D-Day: a day of vices. The emptied beer bottles littering the grass, the rampant chain smoking and the barely-coherent communication of two horny lovers whispered in the dark of … the midafternoon. If you’re looking to get your morally questionable decision-making on this D-Day, here’s a list of appealing places to have some XXX fun.

A cubicle in Gleason. What do these spacious, smoky-paneled spaces provide you and your partner? Enough privacy for a coital encounter, but enough publicity that any poor soul actually studying might hear you over the low-tone televisions. You can mix and match the seating arrangements, find a new use for one of the studying tables and even grab some post-session hand sanitizer, courtesy of the local bathrooms. For those who crave a good cuddle after a particularly rigorous break from festivities, cushions abound nearby. When you’re done, be sure to write a self-congratulatory message on the white boards.

The bench near the Genesee River. Home to illicit smoking breaks, resting places for numerous deep philosophical conversations and inevitable make out sessions, this waterfront location has seen its fair share of private behavior. It deserves a little special attention on D-Day. Be warned, though, of wandering parties looking to sip a few while seaside; as risqu as sex in public is, you will inevitably wind up sitting awkwardly next to one of those surprised wanderers in your next semester classes (because karma works like that).

The new bathrooms outside of Starbucks. This location is surely one of the trickier on the list, primarily due to its proximity to mass influxes of students and the likelihood that someone will start scratching their head and banging on the door if you don’t time yourself right. Though you and your partner likely won’t be needing it, you can get a quick-fix of caffeine next door when you’re done … just make sure one person exits first and the other has time to fix their disheveled hair before you return outdoors.

The sound editing room in Sage. A more offbeat location, the sound editing room in Sage provides lots of interesting equipment difficult to find elsewhere: curiously padded walls if you two are particularly clumsy when under the influence, lots of table space if you’re the above-ground type and a mic spot in case you’d like an audio replay for the next round. It’s relatively private yet scandalous enough to require sneaking in and out. Just be sure to not announce your name into the speakers!

The stacks. A classic go-to for anyone craving adrenaline-laced adventure, the stacks provide ample locations for a little rendezvous. However, as a friend of mine cleverly pointed out, clothing is key in this location. Proper wardrobe calls for a short skirt, nonexistent under things, and single-button sweatpants for the guy are a must. This act is all about efficiency: the shorter, the quicker, the hotter, the better, so dress appropriately … and undress quickly!

The tunnels. Which tunnels? Any tunnels! Bonus points for the Morey/Lattimore tunnels, which are perhaps the most heavily trafficked, or for the tunnels under the Susan B. Anthony Residential Hall which boast the best graffiti (a great location for photographing, you kinky bastard). The tunnels will make your moans echo and give you that Woody Allen-ish dirty feeling.

Someone else’s common room. Eh, they’re probably off somewhere drunk anyway!
The comfort of your own bedroom. I know, I know.Return to the tried-and-true, but really the bedroom is great because you can have all the time, privacy and equipment you need right at hand; and can sleep after. Then wake up … and celebrate some more.

Titus is a member of the class of 2011



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