Aries (March 21?April 19) ? It may be amazing outside, but don’t spend too much time people-watching on the quad. You’ll forget to go to class and spend the next two weeks putting aloe on that sunburn.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? You try too hard ? once you start trying to impress someone, it won’t work. Enough with the mind games ? be yourself and cut the smart-guy act for once.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? Don’t bum out because you just paid the government $316.47. You will soon win money in a suspense-filled chess game. Go nuts on half-price appetizers at the Distillery.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? Suck it up and talk to that babe from your seminar class. At worst, you get rejected ? at best, it’ll be you two, a tub of extra creamy Cool Whip and a copy of “Thighs Wide Open.”
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? It may be tempting to slack off on your workout routine, but don’t give in. Just a few crunches every night and you’ll be ready to go shirtless on D-Day.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? Talk to a stranger today. You might learn something interesting. Or you might just meet someone really weird.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct . 22) ? You’re really gorgeous, you know that? People don’t tell you enough, but they’re thinking it inside ? you’re totally hot.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? You’ve had some rough times, so treat yourself like a princess this week. This means a pedicure, concert tickets and Grey Goose instead of Mr. Boston.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? Okay, so last week’s horoscope was totally wrong. Give us a break, we can’t be perfect all the time! Stop your whining and call a real astrologer.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Take a trip to the 1970s this week. Put on bell bottoms and a denim jacket and rock out to the Velvet Underground.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? You’ve finally got it all figured out. No, not Fermat’s last theorem, silly ? what to do with yourself. Don’t be so surprised. Life’s a pretty easy game when you know how to play it right.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Don’t wish for summer too hard. The end of the semester’s coming soon enough, so spend it living it up with your friends while you still can.
(If you actually believe this, you’ve been playing too much Counterstrike. This is not to be taken seriously.)
