Dormitory life is for the birds

Has anybody noticed that living on a college campus creates an odd equilibrium with nature? The college has become some weird science experiment where man and animal live in harmony together. Squirrels, birds, rabbits and those weird fat hedgehog-like things all run around like they own the campus. Gone are the days when we could put the fear of man in them. Don’t worry, I have a point in here somewhere. I just like to take my time to get there. Yesterday I was taking my after-lunch nap and, as happens from time to time, I overslept a couple classes in a row – I have a tough life, trust me. I was aroused from my deep sleep by an incredibly loud whirring sound. Confused and slightly disoriented, I looked up to see a dogfight, the likes of which would make a WWI ace fighter pilot proud. Two birds were going at it like crazy in my room, feathers and crap hitting every corner. I lunged out of bed and got to a safe distance. Now, these birds continued to fly around destroying my room for a good hour or so, paying no attention to my futile efforts to scare them out. To my astronomy professor, if you are reading this, I totally had a good excuse for not coming to class – you just wouldn’t have believed it. The more details you can provide to your lie, the more credible it becomes. It doesn’t matter how crazy you let it get, just don’t stop talking, and if you can cry on command, that always helps. In addition, a little cleavage never hurt anyone, ladies. Sorry, I allowed cleavage to get me a little off-topic. I was desperate to quell my foe, so I called animal control and about an hour later they “rushed” to the scene. The animal control dude showed up with a giant net and the first thing he asked me was, “You didn’t kill them yet, did you?” Yeah, you can see how well this went. He then proceeded to swing wildly at the birds – all lamps, dishes and expensive furniture be damned. This seemed only to piss the birds off more as they increased their pooping by exponential amounts. How such small creatures can crap so much is beyond me. Finally, we forced them out of my room and out the suite lounge door. He then informed me that this was not the first time he has had to deal with this sort of problem and that I really should never leave my balcony door open. Apparently, I can also expect possible bee and squirrel attacks. Oh yeah, and at night bats like to fly into suites as well. The joys of living in Hill Court never cease to amaze me. This ordeal has taught me a valuable lesson. Man is clearly the superior species on this planet. When faced with a challenging and very bewildering situation, man adapts and conquers all. Birds may have the power of flight, but I can swing a broom that would make you think twice about invading my room.Kutcher can be reached at jkutcher@campustimes.org.