Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Try wearing your clothes backwards. If Kris Kross could do it, you can too. I bet you’ll top Ashlee Simpson on “Total Request Live” by the end of November with your new hit single “Regularity is for Regulurz.” I don’t want this royalty check.Aries (March 21-April 19) – Always put your best foot forward. Then put your other foot forward. You cannot keep putting the same foot forward, or you will trip.Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You’re going to have 46 pop quizzes next week, so look out. You will also fail 45 of them, so maybe you shouldn’t bother looking too far. Go out on Tuesdays.Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Being a Gemini, you will discover your long-lost twin. The weird thing is that they don’t look anything like you and you won’t ever find them.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Since all your friends have mononucleosis, also keep them in a zip lock bag.Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Start saving all the spare change that you find. If you have already started, good for you. Now, take all that spare change and see how many drive-through tolls you can get through at 45 mph and above before the cops chase you down.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – See how many things you can hold together with scotch tape. Now do it with duct tape. Your lab report is due Monday.Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Buy a universal remote and screw with everyone’s televisions. Make everyone watch “Wings” on mute over and over. It’s better than waiting in line at the Pit.Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Sometime this year it will be your birthday. Do not think that you are special, because I’ve got two. I was born on a leap year.Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Someone above is watching you and smiling down upon you. Too bad it is that creepy guy in the adjacent wing. Close your blinds.Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Try mixing up your morning routine. Wake up a bit earlier and do some power squats. By the end of the week you’ll be able to do more than your grandma.Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Go for a swim in the Genesee River this month before it gets too cold. Disclaimer – the previous horoscope does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Campus Times or anyone else I know, but do it anyway.(If you actually believe this, then you probably bought a U-Lock. Your bike will get stolen.)